EP 37 What in the World Did I Do to Deserve That Feedback? Using Coaching Feedback to Build Stronger Relationship Foundations


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By Angie Tonini-Rogers | Intentional Life Coach - Balance and Boundary Strategist, Angie Tonini-Rogers | Intentional Life Coach - Balance, and Boundary Strategist. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

EP 37 What in the World Did I Do to Deserve That Feedback? Using Coaching Feedback to Build Stronger Relationship Foundations

Hey guys, welcome back. And today on this episode, I have a question for you. I would like you to think about a time that you received some feedback that was really hard to hear, but it was something that you were able to use to make some changes, to start, to get better results in your relationship, on your job as a parent, et cetera. What's some hard feedback that you have gotten in your life who gave it to you. What was your relationship with them? And how did you use that feedback? That's what we're going to talk today about in this episode.

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Ladies. Welcome back. And today we're going to talk about coaching and feedback. And this is something that obviously I do right now. You are welcome to grab a session with me. It's a power 30 minute session or a deep dive. One hour session, email me at Andreessen, minnieRogers@gmail.com. But coaching and feedback is something that you do every single day of your life. And you don't, or might not even realize that you're doing this with people in your family, people on your job, you're receiving and giving feedback throughout your day. And I just want to call your attention to it. Okay? So in when you are receiving and giving feedback, the number one and most important thing in coaching someone else or giving feedback and receiving feedback is your relationship. It is the type of relationship that you have with someone. And it is the level of trust that you have with that person.

It is who that person is and how you view that relationship and that person in your life. And so that is number one most important. So when you are giving and receiving feedback from someone, just understand that your relationship maturity, your level of trust you have with that person, has everything to do with how that feedback is going to be received or given how it's received by you, from what someone else tells you and how others are receiving the feedback that you are giving them. Okay. So when you have a trusted relationship with someone, you tend to give more permission to that person to give you harder feedback. It's someone that you care about it, someone that, you know, it's someone that you trust. It's someone that you regard higher than maybe someone else that you don't have much of a relationship with. It's someone that maybe you look up to, or that leads a life of an example, that when they give you feedback, you want to listen to it and you want to take it into account.

Okay? This is easier received by someone that you know, and trust versus someone that you don't know very well. Someone that really doesn't know all of your situation. Now, having said that there could be a lot more emotion attached to the feedback you get. I'll give you a great example. When I am giving or receiving feedback from my husband, he knows me better than anybody else, but his feedback sometimes is much harder to receive than it is. From someone that, you know, might be just a good friend of mine that doesn't know all of my ins and outs. Okay. And so that's important to understand that the feedback that we get from our closest people are, is feedback. That we need to be very mindful of how we give that message and then how we interpret the messages that we're giving. So then there's another category of people.

Maybe they're just your close friends or a group of people that, you know, and trust such as maybe it's somebody in your church that you regard you have high regards for, or maybe it's your pastor or something like that. Maybe it's your group of girlfriends that kind of have a like-mindedness, maybe it's a business group that you work with. Maybe it's a community of women that you're doing something with socially. So those kinds of relationships tend to be received differently than like from your husband or from you know, your pastor might have a different kind of feedback than your girlfriends might have. So it's just important to take note of who is giving you that feedback, what they know about what's going on and what kind of heart they're giving that feedback from. So just know that relationship is the number one most important thing in being able to effectively give and receive feedback.

Number two, when you are giving feedback or coaching someone on something, ask for permission, it's a simple conversation. It doesn't have to be awkward, but it can be something like, Hey, do you mind if I give you a little feedback on something I have observed, or, Hey, I care enough about you to give you some feedback that might be a little hard to hear, but, you know, I love you. And I think it might be helpful. So preface the feedback, especially when it's hard to hear feedback, preface that with how you care about them and ask them for permission. One of the things I talked about recently, I think it was episode 35 was the mood elevator. And if you are in a place of low or you're angry, or you are distracted or frustrated about something, feeling stressed out, if someone asks you permission to give them feedback, and you're really low on that mood elevator, then you probably should tell them, you know what?

I really want to hear what you have to say. I value your opinion, but I am really low on the mood elevator, or I feel really frustrated about this other stuff going on right now. And I'm not sure that all receive the feedback you have for me the right way. So we can move forward with this conversation just with that knowledge. And we can work through that together. Or why don't we schedule a time where you can give me some feedback that's hard to hear later. Okay. So now this is obviously talking about you receiving the feedback. It's more important for you to own how you give feedback to other people. So you should be asking for permission, you should be trying to gauge the right timing and right mood of that other person that you need to give feedback to. If it's hard to hear feedback, okay.

Number three is to always understand that this is a two way conversation. This is never a situation where you are preaching, or you are telling someone what they should do. Instead, you are having a conversation about what you've observed, that you care enough about them to give them the feedback that you think might be helpful. And you're just asking them to consider the information that you're sharing with them. And then the other person is allowed to have their responses, their thoughts, their feelings. Maybe they're going to give you more information that you weren't privy to so that you can see the different situation from their eyes. You're working together to come up with an action plan or just an understanding of where each other is in this. Okay. So the two way conversation, and then finally, number four is that you want to make sure that you have a clear understanding of what the person receiving your, your communication understands.

You want to make sure that that person took away from that conversation, what you intended for them to take away. So you are looking at kind of what I call closed loop communication. I think that's probably a term that I learned throughout my error prevention, cultural training at work, in, in the nursing field, but I call that closed loop. So when you communicate something to someone, especially when it's hard to hear, it's hard information, you want to ask them what it is that they understood from that communication, what are their takeaways from that communication? And that's why the two-way conversation is helpful, but it is a conversation that closes the loop so that you understand that the receiver of that communication understood what you intended. So you ask them to repeat back to you or tell them what they understood or, Hey, what is your biggest takeaway from this?

What will you do with this information? What do you think you might do with this information? And then the person might come back with something that's totally different than what you intended and you have then the opportunity to correct that and say, Oh my gosh, no, I didn't intend it that way. Here's actually what I meant. And maybe you can explain it a different way. Same thing on receiving that information. If you have gotten some feedback or information or had a conversation, and you felt a certain kind of way about what you received, or maybe you feel like you're receiving it in a way that you're unsure. If that's what they're intending, then you can close that communication loop by saying, so this is what I'm hearing. This is what I'm feeling about this. What did you intend for me for this conversation? Is that what you intended?

And it gives the other person the opportunity then to be prompted, to give you more information so that you guys walk away from the conversation with a clearer understanding of what each other intended to communicate. Hopefully that makes sense. Okay. The other thing too, with this is that you, if, if the person did intend for you to receive something that feels not so good, then you can choose at that point to use another technique. We talked about a long time ago in the episodes, in the accountability series series called assuming positive intent, where you can just choose to assume that that person had the best intentions for that conversation. That person had the best intentions for an outcome for you. Otherwise they wouldn't have been sharing it with you. They care about you enough to share the information, even if you received it in a way that doesn't make sense for you.

It maybe it's feedback you choose after you reflect on it, re pray on it, that you don't need that feedback or that feedback isn't accurate. Then you can choose to assume that that person was just doing that out of love for you. And I love care for you. Okay. All right. That's the techniques that I have learned throughout kind of coaching people on my team and coaching individuals is it's such a hard thing. Coaching and receiving feedback is such a hard thing. The challenge I have for you is think about a time where you received really hard feedback. It was just really hard to feel. Maybe it elicited a lot of emotions. Maybe it made you feel offended. Maybe it made you feel defensive. Think about who gave you that re that feedback, what kind of relationship you had with them, what role that person had in your life and what you did with that feedback, and why did you use or not use the feedback in that way?

Okay. That is what I want you to think about. And then going forward, as you are having conversations with people, just think about these three things. Think about your relationship and the rapport that you have with this person, ask permission to give feedback, especially when it could elicit emotional responses or put some money on the defensive, or it's hard feedback to give make sure that the conversation is a two way conversation close the loop on the communication to make sure that what you intended for that person to hear that they actually heard that what you intended. And then remember that feedback is just that it's just feedback. You always have the choice to use the feedback or not use the feedback in a way that's beneficial to you and others around you. Okay. All right, guys, I will see you on the next episode. I'd love to see you guys over in the Facebook group and see what you think about this. Come on over and tell us what the hardest feedback that you've ever had to hear was and what you did with it. That'd be awesome to share that with each other. All right, ladies, we'll see you on the next one.

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