19 Nocturne Reissue of the Week - Poe-Etic Justice

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Manage episode 341323442 series 4201
By Julie Hoverson. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

[Mature themes and violence]

A modernization of the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe, turning it into a 1980s frat house horror movie.

A bunch of pranksters find out the joke's on them.

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Frogger - Brian Lomatewama Lydia - Megan Lane Rex - James Turpin Deanna - Chandra Wade Uno - Justin Charles Buzz - Lothar Tuppan Trey - Danar Hoverson Lucky - Cary Ayers June - Kate Waterous Lisa - Melissa Pang Bob - James Sedgwick Fred - Jonathon del Arroz Dora - Melissa Bartell Kathy - Suzanne Dunn

Music by Persson (available on Jamendo) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Thanks to Glen Hallstrom for sound assistance Cover Design: Dennis Hager

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a college locker room, in the classic era of frat-house prank films, can't you tell?"

******************************************************************

POE-etic Justice

Loosely adapted from the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe by Julie Hoverson (19nocturne@live.com)

Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Frogger Lydia Tripp Deanna Dora Bob, Fred, Kathy, June

FRATS: Rex Mason, fraternity head, etc. Uno Buzz Trey Lucky

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a college campus in the nostalgic era of screwball hijinks films, can't you tell?

MUSIC

LYDIA (Quotes from the original story) I never knew anyone so keenly alive to a joke as the king was. He seemed to live only for joking. To tell a good story of the joke kind, and to tell it well, was the surest road to his favor. Thus it happened that his seven ministers were all noted for their accomplishments as jokers.

AMB LOCKER ROOM

UNO Man! Did you see the look on his face!

BUZZ Like he'd never seen it bald before.

FRATS [Hearty laugh]

TREY That was you guys? Oh, man.

FROGGER [muttered] It's gonna itch.

UNO [less chummy] What?

FROGGER [laughs unconvincingly] When the hair grows back. It itches like a sonofabitch.

TREY, UNO, BUZZ [chuckle]

UNO [pretend serious] And Frogger would know!

TREY, UNO, BUZZ [laugh hysterically]

REX Cut him some slack, dudes. Frogger's our pal. He's a funny guy.

MUSIC

LYDIA About the refinements, or, as he called them, the 'ghost' of wit, the king troubled himself very little. He had an especial admiration for breadth in a jest, and would often put up with length, for the sake of it.

MUSIC

REX Are they gonna get here soon?

BUZZ If Studs and Lucky got everything right.

REX Cool, then. This is gonna be a laugh riot.

BUZZ When the froshes come walking into the rooms, each thinking they're gonna "get a little", oh yeah.

REX Got someone with a tapedeck in each bathroom?

BUZZ Too right! We had to borrow an extra one from Delta pi, but that's cool. It was Deanna made the tapes anyway.

REX Frogger, what'd you get her to say?

FROGGER [sigh, then, putting on a matching tone] I gave her this script. Should be funny as hell.

BUZZ Here! "oh, good! You got my note! I hope you don't mind that I'm a little... kinky. [laughing and having a hard time reading] I want you to undress and [collapses]

REX What?

BUZZ Gimme a minute! [laughing, deep breath] undress and put on my underwear. It's right there on the bed.

BUZZ and REX [hysterical fit]

REX Not laughing, Frogger?

FROGGER Just saving it til I see their faces.

REX [agreeing chuckle] That'll be boss. Hey, you're into all that educated stuff. What's up with this Woody Allen guy?

BUZZ That's that little Jewish nerd, right?

REX This chick I was with last week says he's all hilarious, but I watched this movie - well, some of it, I was mostly macking on another hottie, and it was all like whining.

FROGGER You want the brainhead answer or the real life one?

REX Hit me with the smart one.

FROGGER Woody Allen specializes in observational humor - looking at the angst and neuroses inherent in modern life and stepping aside and commenting on them.

BUZZ [elaborate yawn]

FROGGER But mostly it is just whining.

REX [laughs] I knew it!

SOUND DISTANT DOOR OPENS

BUZZ Shh! Here they come!

MUSIC

LYDIA I believe the name 'Hop-Frog' was not that given to the dwarf by his sponsors at baptism, but it was conferred upon him, by general consent of the several ministers.

MUSIC

AMB PARTY

REX Grab me a brewski Frogger.

FROGGER No problemo.

DEANNA Why "Frogger"? I mean, that's not like his real name, right?

REX Duh. You just gotta see him cross a street sometime. Freaking funny.

DEANNA Why do keep a little toad like that around? Did you like lose a bet?

REX Nah. Frogger's pretty frosty, for a complete nerd. He comes up with some truly awesome pranks.

DEANNA He would have to. Just looking at him is like visual herpes.

REX Nah, the guys like having him around, cuz next to a mini weenie like that, we all look like kielbassas. Not that I don't look good anyway.

DEANNA [chuckles seductively] Yeah, takes a whole can of vienna sausage to measure up to one ball park frank.

REX Plumps when you get it hot, babe.

FROGGER Your beer. And a cocktail for you.

DEANNA [cold] Thanks.

REX Cool. Hop along now, dude. My term paper is due tomorrow.

DEANNA See, that's where it's so much harder to be a girl than a guy.

REX Why?

DEANNA No matter how smart she was, I couldn't keep a dog like that around. We'd get a rep.

MUSIC

LYDIA I am not able to say, with precision, from what country Hop-Frog originally came. It was from some barbarous region, however, that no person ever heard of - a vast distance from the court of our king. Hop-Frog, and a young girl very little less dwarfish than himself, had been forcibly carried off from their homes.

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE

LYDIA Hiya, Tim!

FROGGER [warm] Hey Lydia.

LYDIA You, um, doing anything tonight?

FROGGER Me? No. Did you need some help with something?

LYDIA Me? No. I was thinking there's a showing of L'annee Derniere a Marienbad in Culver Hall tonight. And after what you said about the surrealists [falters] I thought maybe--

FROGGER Like a date?

LYDIA [backing off] Maybe. [covering] Or as friends. I mean, you don't have to pay or anything.

FROGGER No, no! I'd love to. I'm just surprised you'd still speak to me.

LYDIA Because you hang out with the jackasses? Nah. I understand. I wouldn't mind getting on someone's good side.

FROGGER [deep] It's not worth it. Really.

LYDIA But I'm lucky - I don't do anything that makes me a target. Back in Fulton County, I hated being invisible. Here, though? It's a blessing.

FROGGER Even in Fulton, I didn't have much of a choice. Gotta run now. Rex is planning a big party for the long weekend.

LYDIA He needs help?

FROGGER Mostly he just wants people to give him ideas that he can take credit for later.

MUSIC

LYDIA The king was sitting at his wine; but the monarch appeared to be in a very ill humor. He knew that Hop-Frog was not fond of wine, for it excited the poor cripple almost to madness; and madness is no comfortable feeling. But the king loved his practical jokes, and took pleasure in forcing Hop-Frog to drink.

MUSIC

ALL FRATS Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

FROGGER [drinking, gasping]

REX Awesome.

FROGGER [coughing]

BUZZ Weenie.

ALL FRATS [laugh]

FROGGER [barely contained anger] Keep 'em coming.

ALL FRATS [approval]

REX Take a breather, dude. Mellow out first. Besides, before you kiss the sky, we need your brain.

FROGGER [breathing deep, trying not to get sick] What do you expect it to do?

ALL [laugh]

REX We heard that Epsilon Omega is having a toga party.

ALL Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!

REX Shh! We're pissed we didn't think of it first.

UNO Very pissed.

REX Since we don't want to look like copycatting dildoes, we need to come up with a better party.

TREY And quick - it has to be Friday.

LUCKY Their party is Saturday.

BUZZ And it has to be awesome.

UNO And chicks have to be nearly naked.

REX Well?

FROGGER Hmm. Garden of Eden.

BUZZ We don't want any bible crap--

FROGGER You wanted less clothes than togas.

UNO That’s the dumbest--

REX Hold on. Are we talking fig leaves and stuff? [considering] Hmm...

UNO I ain't gluing nothing to MY Johnson.

FROGGER Paint the bikini?

TREY What?

FROGGER Get a bunch of tempera paint, have everyone arrive in bikinis, lay out a bunch of tarps and paint each other.

REX You mean paint ON each other, right?

FROGGER Duh. I would suggest finger painting.

REX [considering] Yeah.

FROGGER And then everyone has to shower off...

REX [up] Yeah! That is so boss! Half naked chicks, AND you get to put your hands all over them. Frogger, you are the MAN.

MUSIC

LYDIA On some grand state occasion-I forgot what-the king determined to have a masquerade. Hop-Frog, in especial, was so inventive in the way of getting up pageants, suggesting novel characters, and arranging costumes, for masked balls, that nothing could be done, it seems, without his assistance.

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE

LYDIA Hey Tim!

FROGGER Lydia! Hey.

LYDIA [amused] Is this your idea?

FROGGER What?

SOUND PAPER

FROGGER "you are cordially invited to a bikini painting party--" Uh, no.

LYDIA Hmm. Well, someone invited me.

FROGGER [up] No! I mean, don't come. Those guys are dicks, and--

LYDIA I wasn't planning to, unless you were asking.

FROGGER Good.

LYDIA I'm not much for drinking - or being around a bunch of drunks.

FROGGER Good!

LYDIA I suppose... I suppose you're kind of stuck there?

FROGGER I have to be there for a while. Until everyone's drunk enough that I can slip out.

LYDIA Let's meet up later, then.

SOUND SHE WALKS AWAY

LYDIA [calling back] Maybe I'll even let you paint me.

FROGGER I-- uh-- okay.

TREY Dude.

FROGGER [gasp of shock]

TREY Nice little number. I bet you get her out of the glasses and baggy sweater and she's a total fox.

FROGGER [desperately lying] Nah. She's got no tits at all. Just tissue.

TREY Damn. Chicks are such fakers.

FROGGER [relieved sigh]

MUSIC

LYDIA Hereupon the dwarf laughed (the king was too confirmed a joker to object to any one's laughing). Moreover, he avowed his perfect willingness to swallow as much wine as desired. The monarch was pacified.

SOUND PARTY, LOTS OF LAUGHING, DISCO MUSIC

REX Ni-i-ice. Blondes look good in green.

JUNE [GIGGLES]

REX But are you a natural blonde?

JUNE Only my bikini knows.

REX Maybe it will tell me later...

JUNE [giggles]

REX See ya. Hey Frogger. I notice your hands are clean.

FROGGER Just - um- came from the bathroom.

REX Hmm. Beauty idea about giving each guy a different color and starting a contest to see what girl can get the most colors.

FROGGER Deanna's got quite a rainbow going.

REX Is that a crack?

FROGGER Huh? No - just admiration.

REX Ah, new guests. Gotta mingle.

LISA [giggle] Oh, look at you! Are you someone's little brother?

FROGGER You ever hear the phrase "Say Hello to my leetle friend"?

LISA Yeah?

FROGGER That's me.

LISA [wide-eyed] You said that?

FROGGER [sighs] No that's Scarface. I'm "the leetle friend".

LISA [giggles]

LYDIA [off, calling] Oh, there he is!

FROGGER Oh shit. Excuse me.

MUSIC

LYDIA There was a dead silence for about half a minute, during which the falling of a leaf, or of a feather, might have been heard.

MUSIC

FROGGER [hurried, whispered] What are you doing here?

LYDIA Didn't you call? Dora, at the dorm said--

FROGGER No, I didn't. You need to get out of here.

LYDIA [puzzled, but laughing] Why? It looks kind of fun.

FROGGER [frustrated noise] No! They're gonna--

BUZZ I see someone wearing too much clothes!

LYDIA Huh?

LUCKY Did you bring your bathing suit, foxy lady?

FROGGER She's not here for the party. It's a mistake.

LYDIA [annoyed] No it's not.

TREY Is this cuz of what you said about her?

FROGGER Just drop it. You gotta go.

LYDIA [sharp] What did you say?

FROGGER Nothing. C'mon, let's bail.

TREY He said you got no boobs under there.

LYDIA What? What is wrong with you? God, Tim, I thought you were my friend.

FROGGER Lydia! Don't! I can explain--

TREY Want to prove him wrong?

BUZZ Of course, if you don't have a suit‑‑

SOUND RUSTLING

LYDIA Actually, I only have a one-piece.

FROGGER Don't!

LYDIA Chill out.

SOUND RUSTLING AS SHE TAKES OFF HER TOP

ALL FRATS [approving noises]

TREY [walking away] Why don't I start - I am curious. And I'm yellow.

FROGGER [weak] No...

REX C'mon dude. Bottoms up.

SOUND RATTLE OF ICE IN GLASS

MUSIC

LYDIA Poor fellow! his large eyes gleamed, rather than shone; for the effect of wine on his excitable brain was not more powerful than instantaneous. He placed the goblet nervously on the table, and looked round upon the company with a half-insane stare. They all seemed highly amused at the success of the king's 'joke.'

MUSIC

SOUND PAINT SLOSH

LYDIA [laughing uncomfortably] That's cold!

TREY I could warm you up a bit. Maybe a hot shower. I'll scrub your back.

LYDIA [uncomfortable] I didn't say stop.

TREY I haven't seen you at one of these before. What are you, a hermit?

LYDIA Just busy studying.

TREY [suggestive] Do you study... anatomy?

LYDIA I'm an english major.

TREY This--[he's painting on her] is the bicep...

LYDIA Yeah, I know.

TREY And this-- is the [drawn out] pec-to-ral...

LYDIA [gasp of shock] I think I'm - out of my depth. I should go.

TREY Nonsense. There's seven more colors to go. Everybody wants to get his hands on you.

LYDIA No. No, look, this was a bad idea.

TREY This-- is the gluteus maximus.

LYDIA Stop!

SOUND SLAPPING NOISE

TREY Oh come on. You don't want to leave this masterpiece unfinished, do you?

LYDIA Let go of me!

REX [overplayed] OK, what's going on?

TREY Models. They're so high strung.

REX You should have a drink. Frogger did.

LYDIA I just want to go.

REX [raising his voice] Hear that everyone? She just wants to go.

ALL [everyone laughing]

DEANNA Who does she think she is?

ALL [more laughing, mostly guys]

SOUND POUNDING ON A DOOR

FROGGER [in closet] Stop! No!

REX You know, these picnic bottles were a really good idea.

SOUND SQUIRTS PAINT

LYDIA [surprised shriek]

ALL [laugh]

LYDIA [crying] Stop!

REX Well, being the king, I had her first. Who's next?

BUZZ I got red, how bout I KETCHUP!

[squirting]

ALL [laughing]

FROGGER [in closet] Nooooo!

MUSIC

LYDIA The tyrant seemed quite at a loss what to do or say - how most becomingly to express his indignation. At last, he pushed the girl violently from him, and threw the contents of the brimming goblet in her face.

MUSIC

SOUND BREATHING IN A CLOSED SPACE. OCCASIONAL THUMPS AS FROGGER BEATS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL; the party has run down

SOUND DOOR OPENS

REX Damn. Almost forgot about you. C'mon out. Everyone's all gone home.

SOUND FROGGER SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET, THUMP AS HE SLAMS REX AGAINST THE WALL

REX Unh!

FROGGER You bastard! You sonofabitch!

REX C'mon dude. It was just a joke. No big deal.

SOUND DRINKS FROM A BOTTLE

REX Here. mellow out.

SOUND OFFERS THE BOTTLE

FROGGER No big deal? You- you--!

REX Have a drink and get frosty, dude. Or I might forget I have a big paper coming up and that you need fingers if you're gonna write it for me.

SOUND FROGGER SNATCHES THE BOTTLE, DRINKS DEEP

REX There you go. That's a pal.

SOUND FROGGER THROWS THE BOTTLE ACROSS THE ROOM, BOTTLE SMASHES

REX [laughs heartily] Yeah! You cool?

FROGGER [grim, teeth gritted] I'm completely frozen.

MUSIC

LYDIA Hop-Frog endeavored, as usual, to get up a jest in reply to these advances from the king; but the effort was too much.

MUSIC

SOUND SHOWER RUNNING

SOUND PHONE RINGS, DISTANT, IS PICKED UP

DORA Yello? [up] Lydia!

LYDIA [yelling, still upset] I'm in the shower!

SOUND A MOMENT, THEN POUNDING ON THE DOOR

DORA It's that guy you like. He wants to talk.

LYDIA Tell him to sit on it!

MUSIC

LYDIA "The beauty of the game," continued Hop-Frog, "lies in the fright it occasions among the women."

MUSIC

TREY Man, he went total meltdown.

BUZZ His eyes were all bugging out.

UNO Gets all squeaky, like a little bitty piggie.

REX Shh, Here he comes. [up] Frogger, my man. Have a brewski - we need you at the top of your game tonight.

FROGGER Whatever. [drinks]

REX Jeez, check out Mr. Dickweed. He needs to mellow out. Bring on Mr. Cuervo.

SOUND LIQUID POUR

FROGGER Just tell me what you need.

REX Nuh-uh. Not until you got a good buzz. [serious] Drink.

FROGGER [sighs]

MUSIC

LYDIA "What do you mean by that? Ah, I perceive. You are Sulky, and want more wine. Here, drink this!" and the king poured out another goblet full and offered it to the cripple, who merely gazed at it, gasping for breath.

MUSIC

REX I don't know how we didn’t hear about it sooner, but Epsilon Omega is doing this medival banquet thing - and it's tonight! It's sposed to be totally off the hook, with jousting and shit.

FROGGER [muttered] Jousting's on horseback.

UNO We gotta DO something!

BUZZ We gotta get in there and mess with them!

LUCKY Epsilon Omega are such douches, we gotta show em up!

REX But see, they won't let anyone in that ain't in a costume. YOU need to get us in there.

FROGGER You can't just rent some stuff?

UNO All the shops are sold out!

TREY We're like the only ones on the entire campus that didn't get an invite!

LUCKY The pussies!

REX And we gotta show them up at their own damn game! So it's got be really really medival. Come on!

UNO And frogger, man, you're the king of this crap - the bikini painting party was completely the bomb!

FROGGER [grim] That. Right. Pour me another one.

MUSIC

LYDIA The monarch was pacified; and having drained another bumper with no very perceptible ill effect, Hop-Frog entered at once, and with spirit, into the plans for the masquerade.

MUSIC

FROGGER There is this thing--

BUZZ Yeah?

FROGGER Something really authentic and medival--

LUCKY Dude! Just spit it out!

FROGGER I'm assuming you don't want to be lepers--

TREY Like the cat? I'd rather be a tiger.

FROGGER No! Leper. Like all grody zombie-looking people.

REX We could do that.

FROGGER But this will be better.

REX Yeah?

TREY Dude, zombies are medival?

FROGGER [sigh] No. No zombies. And it has to be a costume we can put together really fast.

REX Duh. Party's tonight.

FROGGER Back in the olden days, they had all sorts of weird party stuff they did. And one of them was something called the eight chained orangutangs.

BUZZ Orangutangs? Man they rock! [makes farting sound] That's like Clyde in Every which way but loose, eh?

ALL [start making monkey noises]

FROGGER It does take eight guys, though...

REX No problemo. There's five of us here, plus Ricky, Finn, and uh - Marco.

FROGGER [dark] Exactly the ones I'd'a suggested.

MUSIC

LYDIA "The chains are for the purpose of increasing the confusion by their jangling. You are supposed to have escaped, en masse, from your keepers. Your majesty cannot conceive the effect produced, at a masquerade, by eight chained ourang-outangs!"

MUSIC

ALL [making monkey noises]

FROGGER BUT we have to get you dressed up! Come on!

REX [commanding] Shut up! Listen to Frogger. Save the monkey shit for later.

LUCKY Yeah, man - monkeys throw their shit. We should have something to throw!

BUZZ I'm calling the costume shop.

FROGGER You can't.

BUZZ Who says?

FROGGER You want to be all historical, right?

REX Duh.

FROGGER OK, well they didn’t have snazzy costumes way back when.

TREY What did they do?

FROGGER Covered themselves in tar, then rolled in flax.

BUZZ What the hell is flax?

FROGGER Fibers. Looks like hair.

LUCKY Tar is gross. It never comes off.

FROGGER You do it OVER clothes. Like a track suit.

TREY You expect us to get all tarred up and roll around in hair? You're a complete--

REX Genius. We break into the party like this, and those dicks at Epsilon Omega will never be able to live it down.

MUSIC

LYDIA The king and his ministers were first encased in tight-fitting stockinet shirts and drawers. They were then saturated with tar. A long chain was now procured. First, it was passed about the waist of the king, and tied, then about another of the party, and also tied; then about all successively, in the same manner, making a circle.

MUSIC

SOUND CLANKING, SHUFFLING FEET

ALL FRAT [muffled giggling]

SOUND PASSING A BOTTLE

REX Shh. Watch out for the post, dumbass!

TREY There's a buttload of posts in an old warehouse.

UNO Man, it's kind of cold.

FROGGER [dark] Don't worry - you'll be warm later.

SOUND MORE CLANKING

FROGGER I checked out the layout earlier. They've got a horseshoe of tables surrounding the middle of the room, with knights and wenches and all seated on the outside. You should go round the outside of the room first, making trouble-

TREY Grabbing chicks - "not my fault! Orangutans like boobies!"

BUZZ Beep-beep.

FROGGER [exasperated] Yeah. [up] But then get to the center of the room, and I'll come in and get the crowd going.

REX Dude, you are truly the man.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, CLANKING STARTS LOUD

ALL FRATS [monkey noises]

SOUND [distant screams]

MUSIC

LYDIA The eight ourang-outangs, taking Hop-Frog's advice, waited patiently until midnight before making their appearance. No sooner had the clock ceased striking, however, than they rushed, or rather rolled in, all together-for the impediments of their chains caused most of the party to fall, and all to stumble as they entered.

MUSIC

SOUND WALKIE TALKIE NOISE

FROGGER [hushed] Ok, they're in. Wait for my signal.

SOUND CRACKLE OF STATIC

LYDIA [almost unrecognizable, on air] Gotcha.

FROGGER We've got about five minutes...

MUSIC

LYDIA The excitement among the masqueraders was prodigious, and filled the heart of the king with glee. As had been anticipated, there were not a few of the guests who supposed the ferocious-looking creatures to be beasts of some kind in reality, if not precisely ourang-outangs.

MUSIC

SOUND [screams, laughing, monkey noises - behind doors]

SOUND DOOR CRASHES OPEN

FROGGER [squeaky british "jester" voice] Good folk!

SOUND [some quieting, ape noises still going on]

SOUND MICROPHONE SQUELCH

FROGGER Good people!

SOUND [quiet]

FROGGER Good people! I spy beasts in our midst!

FRATS [ape noises]

CROWD [ripple of laughter]

FROGGER they must have escaped from a keeper!

REX Dude, is that my mister microphone?

FROGGER [not on mike] Shh. [on mike, playing it big] It speaks! Perhaps it is merely a man in a fabulous costume?

FRATS [hooting monkey noises]

SOUND CROWD APPLAUDS

FROGGER Leave them to me! I fancy I know them. If I can only get a good look, I can soon tell who they are!

SOUND CHAIN RATTLES

FROGGER Look at these muscles. If not a beast, then a beast of a man, don't you think?

FRATS [very butch monkey noises]

FROGGER Perhaps there is someone here who can help me identify them. You, Milady?

NOTE [frogger is using the mike on the people he's talking with, but the frats are just yelling]

SOUND SLOW MACHINE NOISE SNEAKS IN THROUGHOUT, A BIT OF CHAINS, TOO

DORA Me?

FROGGER I think you know that big one in front. Do you not?

LUCKY [chuckling] Oh, yeah, she knows me. If you know what I mean.

DORA [furious] He got me drunk and took topless pictures of me, that he posted all over the dorm!

LUCKY What’s a dog like her doing at an Epsilon party?

DORA You ... you bastard!

FROGGER That's a big clue, but I still don't quite recognize them. Maybe you, sir?

BOB [stuttring] They - all of them - cornered me in the locker room and pelted me with jockstraps!

BUZZ Dude, it was a joke!

BOB Every day? For a semester! It wasn't funny!

TREY It was to us.

FROGGER And you, fair maiden?

KATHY [crying] They tied me up and covered me in dip at one of their parties.

UNO What's so bad about that?

KATHY I got a rash! And a yeast infection!

REX Okay, we're out of here. This ain't funny any more.

SOUND CHAINS RATTLE, A COUPLE OF STEPS

FRATS [reaction noises - ugh, hey, whoa! - as they trip, get pulled up short]

UNO What the crap?

REX The chains're caught on something. Frogger! Help us out here.

FROGGER [annoucning] How blind they are, eh, gentle folks?

SOUND APPLAUSE

MUSIC

LYDIA With the rapidity of thought, he had inserted the hook from which the chandelier had been wont to depend; and, in an instant, by some unseen agency, the chandelier-chain was drawn so far upward as to take the hook out of reach, and, as an inevitable consequence, to drag the ourang-outangs together in close connection.

MUSIC

SOUND MORE CHAINS, STRUGGLES

BUZZ We're stuck!

REX The chains got caught on that hook thing! Can you reach it?

TREY Give me a boost!

SOUND MACHINE NOISE, HOOK RAISING

REX What the crap?

UNO We're chained at the waist, dumbass, how far you think you're gonna get climbing?

FROGGER Little do they know that this party was thrown in their [sour] honor. Is it not ironic that they were so caught up in their own amusement they didn't recognize a single one of the people they've wronged?

REX You are so dead, you little shitball. The minute we get out of here, your life will go to hell.

FROGGER My life has been hell, you evil douchbags! You think I liked being your little funny guy - your jester? You think I helped you because I thought it was fun? Every joke I helped with was like ground glass in my soul, and I still feel like I should be hanging up there with you. [to crowd] One more notch, and they'll be on tiptoe. What do you think?

CROWD [roars approval]

FROGGER It's not as funny when you're the butt of the joke, is it?

UNO Dude, just cut it out. We've learned our lesson, and shit. man.

FROGGER Lets see what the crowd thinks!

CROWD [booo]

FROGGER Sorry. Can’t let it go just yet. How about you, milord? What's your beef?

SOUND HAND OVER THE MIKE NOISE

FRED [not on mike] They're gonna bury us.

FROGGER [not on mike] Not a problem. C'mon. Think of it as group therapy.

SOUND MIKE UNCOVERED

FRED [quick, ashamed] They duct taped my - my butt.

FROGGER [sincere] I'm very sorry.

SOUND CROWD SUBDUED APPLAUSE

SOUND ANOTHER CRANK OF CHAIN

FRATS [whoa! They've been pulled off the ground]

MUSIC

LYDIA The jester suddenly uttered a shrill whistle; and the chain flew violently up - dragging with it the dismayed and struggling ourang-outangs, and leaving them suspended in mid-air.

MUSIC

FROGGER Ah, ha! I begin to see who these "people" are now! But it's so dark in here. Give me a tiki torch, someone.

DORA Here.

FRED Watch out - they'll kick you!

FROGGER They could. But then they'll start swinging. It's not fun, hung up by your waist, is it?

UNO You little shit!

TREY Your ass is grass, man.

SOUND STRUGGLING, CHAIN CREAKING, SWINGING

FROGGER [to the crowd] How many of us have been hung like this - by you, or those like you?

CROWD [agrees]

FROGGER [over elaborate] Watch out! Don't swing too close to the fire!

SOUND FIRE CATCHES WITH A WHOOMPH

FRATS [screaming]

CROWD [screams]

FROGGER Whoops!

MUSIC

LYDIA "I now see distinctly." he said, "what manner of people these maskers are. They are a great king and his seven privy-councillors, - a king who does not scruple to strike a defenceless girl and his seven councillors who abet him in the outrage. As for myself, I am simply Hop-Frog, the jester-and this is my last jest."

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE, NIGHT

SOUND DISTANT FIRE TRUCKS

LYDIA I can't even feel sorry for them.

FROGGER Nope.

LYDIA It helps, to know I'm not alone.

FROGGER You should never feel alone. I'm here.

LYDIA I mean, that they hurt lots of people.

FROGGER [self-loathing] And I helped. Too many times.

LYDIA They would have done it anyway.

FROGGER I can't forgive myself.

LYDIA Could I?

FROGGER Could you what?

LYDIA Could I forgive you?

FROGGER [a bit teary] That would be a good start.

MUSIC

LYDIA It is supposed that Trippetta, stationed on the roof, had been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, and that, together, they effected their escape.

MUSIC

THE END

...

1042 episodes