19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: TELEGRAM TO SATAN!

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Manage episode 347323428 series 2034979
By Julie Hoverson. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle.

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Leona - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey’s Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey

Music by John Woodward Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Les Clay

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?"

********************************************************************

A Telegram ...to Satan!

Cast:

Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell?

MUSIC

Scene 1.

SOUND PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room

REPORTER JUNE How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight.

REPORTER BOB So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting?

REPORTER KATHY We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor...

REPORTER FRED And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair?

Scene 2.

CHIEF Shut the door.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO Where's Leona?

CHIEF She'll be here in a minute. Wanted to say something to you first… just the two of us.

THEO [a little worried] Yeah?

CHIEF You're a cute young guy, Theo...

THEO [starting to panic] Uh...

CHIEF You seeing anyone right now?

THEO I'm kind of ...married to the news.

CHIEF I know the feeling.

THEO Uh...!

CHIEF It's a nice sentiment, but you can’t let the news rule your life, sweetheart.

THEO Uh. When is Leona gonna get here?

CHIEF What are you doing on Friday night?

THEO Uh... Uh... I ...

CHIEF Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get.

THEO [relieved] Oh! ah! I can clear Friday night.

CHIEF It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida.

THEO Who?

CHIEF But you didn't hear that from me.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

THEO Dickman?

DICKMAN Yeah.

THEO [gasp] Oh! I thought it would be Leona.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

CHIEF Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third. His grandpa just picked up half the business.

DICKMAN Things are gonna run a little different around here.

THEO Oh. Is that good?

CHIEF [insincere] Sure it is. We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA Oh.

SOND DOOR SHUTS AGAIN

THEO Leona--? She left.

CHIEF Musta forgot something.

DICKMAN Is that Leona Pope? [chuckle nastily] I think she remembered something.

THEO Should I ...go?

CHIEF No, I was about to drop a lead on you.

DICKMAN I hope you have something good.

CHIEF Oh, are you staying?

DICKMAN Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom. So yeah, I'm staying.

MUSIC

Scene 3.

AMB ROOF

SOUND LIGHTER, SMOKING

THEO [off] Leona?

LEONA Are you alone?

THEO Uh, yeah.

LEONA Come on up, then.

THEO That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it?

LEONA It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke.

THEO Oh. [beat] We have an assignment.

LEONA We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of?

THEO Uh, no. Were you expecting someone?

LEONA [sigh] I'll come down.

MUSIC

Scene 4.

SOUND IN CAR

LEONA What's the story?

THEO I was about to ask you the same thing.

LEONA [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get.

THEO Oh! Cattle mutilation. It's a bit of a drive.

LEONA And Dickman?

THEO No. He's got a story of his own.

LEONA Which is?

THEO [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer.

LEONA Figures. Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts.

THEO Well, it's actually--

LEONA That jackass gets everything he wants. Almost.

THEO Sounds like you have a history.

LEONA Used to have an entire curriculum.

THEO Huh?

LEONA [getting annoyed] History. Chemistry. Biology... [disgusted] Drama.

MUSIC

Scene 5.

AMB FARM

LEONA Bucolic.

THEO I've never been on a farm before!

LEONA I've worked hard to avoid them myself.

HADLEY Hallooo! You must be the folks from the World Bugle!

THEO Must we? Ah, yes. We must! I mean, that's us!

LEONA [flat] Show us the cows.

HADLEY I'm Mr. Hadley, and this is Lulu.

LULU [goat] Maaaa.

LEONA Don't try and tell me that's a cow.

HADLEY No, no. Lulu's a goat. They're better than dogs. They can stand guard, fetch, and they're very loyal

GOAT Maaa.

LEONA You tell him. Show us the cows.

HADLEY She can even fetch – here.

THEO A ball? Should I throw it?

HADLEY Nah – just hold it up. Fetch Lulu!

LULU MAAA!

SOUND THUMP

THEO Ow.

HADLEY And now she gets the ball. Just a little goat humor.

SOUND BRUSHING OFF, GETTING UP

THEO [sigh] Tell us all about this problem you're having with your cattles being... mutilated.

LEONA Cattle is already plural.

HADLEY Come along and you can see for yourself.

THEO Ew? I mean - it's been a couple of days. Won't they be a bit ... ripe?

LEONA [musing] Really quick shutter.

THEO What?

LEONA Catches all the flies in mid-flight.

THEO Ewwww..

HADLEY Oh, are you thinking my cows are dead? Oh. No. Come on.

MUSIC

Scene 6.

LEONA [stunned] And WHEN did this happen?

THEO How many are there?

HADLEY Five. Bessie, Buttercup, Wilamina, Miss Amoorica, and Fred.

LEONA You have a cow named Fred?

HADLEY She's had a hard life.

THEO And all five of them have these...

HADLEY Big tattooed triangles. Yep.

LEONA Does it go underneath, too, or just end there?

HADLEY Nope. Each one has her entire left flank covered in this...ink.

THEO And it's not just paint?

HADLEY Nope.

LEONA Humh. Punk cows. Next thing you know, they'll be going for nipple piercings.

THEO That would really be --

LEONA [trying not to laugh] An udder mess.

THEO Ew. This doesn't look like something that happened overnight.

HADLEY Nope. Someone's a-sneaking in each night and doing it.

LEONA And they got THIS much done before you noticed?

HADLEY What can I say? I'm a right-sided milker.

MUSIC

Scene 7.

SOUND WALKING IN MUD

THEO Ah, nature.

LEONA One thing you can say for nature. It stinks.

THEO That's the smell of life!

LEONA No, it's the smell of the cowpie you just stepped in.

THEO Ew. Hey look! Someone's coming!

LEONA Is it Lulu?

THEO No! [excited] It looks like a girl!

LEONA Can't you tell?

DAISY [off, calling] He-ey!

THEO Hiya!

LEONA [hissed, hinting] Interview. Witness. Stay on task.

THEO What?

SOUND SLAP

THEO Right. Hello, miss--?

DAISY [running up, panting] I'm Daisy!

THEO Yeah?

LEONA [hissed] Does she live near here?

THEO Do you--?

DAISY I'm just one farm over.

THEO Oh. Good.

LEONA Does she know anything about the cows?

DAISY Huh?

THEO HuH?

LEONA Tell you what. We're gonna play blindfold questions.

DAISY That sounds like fun!

THEO What? [muffled] Hey, what are you doing? [clear again] But I can't see anything now!

LEONA That's the idea.

DAISY Who are you folks anyway? I never got a chance to--

THEO We're from the World Bugle. Investigating the cows.

DAISY Oh! The tattoos?

THEO Yeah. Are they happening at your farm too?

LEONA Turn to the left, just a bit.

THEO Huh?

LEONA You're talking to her shoulder.

THEO Ah.

DAISY Well, no, ain't no one else in the valley having the same problem. And no one can figure out how it's happening, nohow!

THEO No one knows how he's doing it?

DAISY He? Do you know who it is?

THEO Just reporter shorthand. Playing the odds. [serious sounding] Most of these kind of... uh "perps" are male. 82%, in fact.

LEONA Nice fake.

DAISY Wow!

THEO Not that we rule anyone out. You could even be the one doing this.

DAISY Not me! I can't even draw a cow. [sudden interest] Who's that?

LEONA Who? Shit! My turn for the blindfold.

SOUND WHIP OF FABRIC

THEO [Baffled] Leo? What? Why are you tying that over your whole face?

LEONA [muffled] Shut up!

DICKMAN [coming on] Finally some sign of life out here in the hinterlands.

DAISY I dunno where hinter's land is. Is he new around here?

THEO [getting it] Oh! Hi, Mr. Dickman.

DICKMAN You can call me Ace, kid.

THEO [chummy] And you can call me Theo, Ace.

LEONA [muffled] "Smoothie"

THEO Shh.

DAISY Can I call you Ace too? You look kinda familiar. Have we ever met?

DICKMAN So, kid, who's the chick in the turban?

THEO Oh, she's my new ... intern. Uh, she's -uh- devout. Can't show her face.

DAISY But she had it off--

LEONA [zhagareet - high pitched warble]

THEO [running over] We're very equal-opportunity at the world bugle, you see.

DAISY Say, you look kinda like Clint Eastwood. Are you related to Clint Eastwood?

DICKMAN [ignoring Daisy] Does she speak English, at least?

THEO Only to people she's been... properly introduced to. It's very ...protective.

DICKMAN Doesn't make for much of a reporter.

THEO [warming to his lie] That's why she's learning to take photographs instead. [talking loud and slow like he's talking to someone foreign] Take picture now? Show?

LEONA [muttered and muffled] I got something to show you--

THEO [snap] Jasmine? Take picture!

LEONA [sort of vaguely pakistani] oh, yess. Picture take i.

SOUND SNAP

DICKMAN Hey! You didn't need a flash! It's broad daylight! Right in my damn eyes.

SOUND SNAP

LEONA Many apologies!

DAISY Wanna take a picture of me?

DICKMAN [stalking closer] Hey! That camera - it looks kinda familiar.

THEO [covering] Oh! They all look alike.

LEONA [panicking] uh -- No more talk. Time to pray.

SOUND DROP TO THE GROUND

LEONA [muttering, muffled]

THEO You better not bother her now. She gets these breaks a - a bunch of times every day. It's freedom of religion, man.

DICKMAN I'm sure I've seen her before. And she ain't no --

THEO ACE! Don't use that kind of language! [whispered] You could get us sued!

LEONA [MUTTERS LOUDER]

DAISY Can she take a picture of ME when she gets up?

MUSIC

Scene 8.

AMB QUIET HOTEL ROOM

THEO That was kind of...

LEONA Mortifying?

THEO Well... You don't know much about other cultures, do you?

LEONA I only had to fool him, and he knows less. [annoyed] It's kind of like if you and I ever run into a lion - I don't have to outrun the lion... I just have to outrun you.

THEO Are there a lot of lions in - [getting it] Ohhh...

[moment of awkward silence]

LEONA I suppose you're wondering about all this.

THEO No.

LEONA It's the most embarrassing episode of my life.

THEO Oh. I wouldn't want to pry.

LEONA Back when I was young and foolish.

THEO [astonished] You were young?

LEONA And that disgusting hunk of manhood swept me off my girlish feet...

THEO [getting a bit weirded out] girlish?

LEONA He was so confident...

THEO Uh, Leona...

LEONA So self assured...

THEO Come on, Leona.

LEONA And when he walked away that dark and stormy morning, leaving me lying in a puddle of my own tears...

THEO Please stop.

LEONA [snarl] He walked away with the best scoop I'd ever had.

THEO [relieved sigh] Oh!

LEONA That's why you can't tell him anything about our story. Not one iota.

THEO Why would I, I don't plan to--

LEONA He'll knock on the door any minute now.

SOUND KNOCK

THEO Wow!

LEONA Take him to the bar.

THEO But what do I do?

LEONA Get him drunk. Keep him talking.

SOUND DOOR CHAIN

LEONA [sharp whisper] Oh, and while you’re distracting him—

THEO Distracting?

LEONA Yeah. See if you can steal his story!

MUSIC

Scene 9.

AMB BAR

DICKMAN This is the life, eh? Just us guys. Us reporters. No one understands the loneliness…

THEO Uh, yeah.

DICKMAN The mantle of responsibility we don every day--

THEO Really?

DICKMAN Our responsibility to the public! To keep them informed.

THEO Oh! Is that why your – uh – family bought into the World bugle?

DICKMAN Nah. Grandad just loves Ratboy.

THEO Oh. [trying to be subtle] So...how goes it with the weed-whacker?

DICKMAN [suspicious] Hey – you trying something?

THEO No! Just thought… uh… I might be able to [uncertain] Help?

DICKMAN I don’t need any help.

THEO But I might have heard something. A lead.

DICKMAN [skeptical] Reeeeally?

THEO Oh, yeah. [warming to it] I overheard something. Recently. About –uh – [lost, then bright idea] about someone buying a lot of weed whackers!

DICKMAN Really? And what could possibly make you think that he would need more than one weed whacker?

THEO He?

DICKMAN Playing the odds. 82% of these perps are male, you know.

THEO Oh, yeah. I know.

DICKMAN [intimidating] But what made you say that?

THEO Its just what I heard! Really!

DICKMAN [relenting] Cuz that’s a detail the police have insisted on keeping back from the public.

THEO Oh!

MUSIC

HOTEL CLERK May I help you?

LEONA [talking in a fake deep voice] Package for Mr. Dickmam. What room is he in?

HOTEL CLERK I can accept that for him.

LEONA No. uh – it’s special delivery. From the head office.

HOTEL CLERK I can page him.

LEONA Can’t wait. Must stay… refrigerated. Plus, he’s probably out on assignment--

HOTEL CLERK I think he’s just over in the bar.

LEONA [sigh, drops the voice] Fifty bucks?

SOUND MONEY SLAPPED ON TABLE, SCOOPED UP

HOTEL CLERK [low response] Here’s the spare key. Have a nice day!

MUSIC

Scene 10.

AMB BAR

THEO --And he woke up with a donkey’s head!

DICKMAN What, like in the bed next to him?

THEO No, this is Shakespeare, not the Godfather! Like his head was a donkey’s head.

DICKMAN [musing] Shakespeare WAS the original godfather. I think you might have a story there.

THEO Still not as good as yours!

DICKMAN When you been in the biz as long as I have…

SOUND PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED

BARTENDER No, sorry. We don’t serve those here.

DICKMAN [nasty laugh] Must be talking about your “sidekick.”

THEO Ew!

BERTENDER Oh, someone NAMED Smoothie. I’ll check. [up] Is there a--

THEO [quick, sharp] It’s for me!

DICKMAN Smoothie?

THEO Code name. Top secret. [to phone] Yeah? Yeah! Oh yeaaaaahhhhh.

SOUND HANGS UP

DICKMAN Yeah?

THEO Yeah. Gotta go. The –uh- cows came home.

MUSIC

Scene 11.

AMB NIGHT, PASTURE

THEO We always seem to end up outside in the dark waiting for dangerous people.

LEONA That’s where the stories are.

THEO Did you find out anything?

LEONA Just that he’s got nothing. [chuckles]

THEO Isn’t that bad for the paper? I mean, they still need stories!

LEONA Puppy. [gasp] Look!

THEO Lights! Is it aliens?

LEONA Coleman.

THEO Who’s Coleman?

LEONA A lamp. It’s just the farmer. He must have the same idea we do.

THEO We do?

LEONA To keep watch until the vandal shows up.

THEO Would this fall under vandalism? Hmm… I guess cows count as property.

LEONA Shh! Look!

THEO He’s just going in to check on them.

SOUND Mooooo

THEO That didn’t sound happy.

LEONA They’re cows. They don’t really “do” happy.

THEO Hey, where’s Lulu?

LEONA Lulu?

THEO The goat- he said she follows him everywhere.

LEONA I dunno. Sleeping?

THEO Let’s get closer to the barn.

MUSIC

Scene 12.

AMB BARN

THEO [whispering] I told you there was something wrong with a man who would leave his goat behind!

LEONA If I had a nickel for every time I've heard…

SOUND Bzz. Mooooo!

THEO [standing up] How dare you!

LEONA Oh, boy.

HADLEY/DEMON Who dares disturb me at my work.

THEO Uh… does he sound different?

LEONA I’ll be in the bushes – uh – stall.

HADLEY/DEMON Come forward, mortal.

THEO uh--

LEONA He means you. [uh - pushing him]

SOUND PUSH, HE STUMBLES FORWARD

THEO [whisered] What do I do?

LEONA Interview him. It. Nah, think of it as a him – less scary that way.

HADLEY/DEMON What do you want?

THEO [gulp] I -- want to hear your side of the story!

HADLEY/DEMON Story?

THEO Uh, clearly you’re doing something here – and very artistically, I might add – but I can’t imagine a … s-something, such as yourself doing it for no reason. You must have a … a purpose. The people want to know!

LEONA [hissed] step to the left!

THEO Huh?

LEONA You’re blocking my shot!

HADLEY/DEMON You think you will shoot me? Muhahahaha! Mortal bullets will have no effect!

THEO no! no! not shot shot. Just picture shot.

LEONA [whispered] Stay in the light - in case he eviscerates you.

HADLEY/DEMON Pictures, yes. I make pictures too.

THEO Right! What are they for?

HADLEY/DEMON For? They are a summoning! When the ring is complete, he will come!

THEO [shock and awe] Satan?

HADLEY/DEMON [matter of fact] Nonsense, he’s much too busy. That’s why I’m here. [demony again] NO! It is the renegade that I am here to summon. I have been placed in his path and he will be mine!

SOUND CAMERA CLICKS

HADLEY/DEMON [petulant] If some people will go away and leave me to my work.

THEO maybe we can help?

LEONA [whispered] Ixnay! Otnay our Objay!

HADLEY/DEMON Help? You?

THEO I mean, if you will spend a little time maybe telling us more about what you’re doing?

HADLEY/DEMON Hmm…. [thinks long] Which do you think is my good side?

MUSIC

Scene 13.

AMB OUTSIDE, DAY

THEO We should tell him! He must have been drugged, or delusional, or sleepwalking!

LEONA [assured] Possessed.

THEO or sleepwalking.

LEONA Possessed makes for a better story.

THEO Oh.

LEONA Did you have the mini recorder with you?

THEO Uh, no.

LEONA Dammit Smoothie!

THEO I did ... something else with it.

LEONA What?

THEO Let me see if it worked first.

LEONA [sigh] whatever. What’s important is to figure out what questions to ask this demon possessor when we talk to him tonight.

THEO Tonight?

LEONA Meanwhile, we can get some quality time with the girls.

THEO Girls? You mean like Daisy?

LEONA No, I mean like Fred.

MUSIC

Scene 14.

AMB BARN

SOUND Moos

THEO Oh, those girls.

LEONA Shh. You’ll put them off.

THEO What are we doing here?

LEONA Getting glamour shots. What else? Move that one in behind the one with the white ear.

THEO Why don’t we ask farmer Hadley to help with this? I don’t know anything about cow maneuvers.

DICKMAN [off, hding] [Laughs]

LEONA [starts to laugh, then cuts it off with a snarl]

THEO Holy cow!

LEONA Five of them. Come out, Dick.

DICKMAN Leona? And here I thought you’d converted.

THEO Maybe I should leave you two alone?

LEONA Yeah. I’m a transformer. {nyea-uh-uh-ow – transformer noise] Just call me optimus kick your ass.

THEO Help me out, Fred, They’re not listeneing.

SOUND MOO, LICK

THEO Ew. [up] We should go back to the – things to do – back at the hotel?

LEONA No. I want to know why this notorious poacher is hanging around our story? Could it be because he’s stumped on his own?

DICKMAN Im never stumped. I’m [thinks, then nasty triumph] I’m multitasking!

LULU [outside] Maaaaa

THEO Hey guys, here comes Lulu! Better be nice.

DICKMAN Who’s LuLu? Is she that dishy Barbie in the teensy cutoffs from yesterday?

LEONA [chuckles] Nah, she’s even more perfect for you.

DICKMAN [suggestive] Hot, stupid and has a great story?

LEONA [taking it personally] I was never hot – I mean, I was never STUPID!

SOUND DOOR OPENS

THEO [loudly, trying to break up the fight] Oh, Farmer Hadley! Lulu! How nice to see you both!

LEONA Here Dickman. Hold this. Lulu, fetch!

LULU Maaaa!

DICKMAN What’s with the ball? Ow!

SOUND THUMP, BODY DROP

MUSIC

Scene 15.

AMB BARN, NIGHT

THEO He said he’d explain the whole thing tonight.

LEONA Smacks of super villain rhetoric.

THEO Huh?

LEONA You know, all that “Before I kill you, Mister Bond” crap.

THEO Kill?

HADLEY/DEMON Oh, yes, I am here to kill.

THEO [gasp!]

LEONA [gasp] I’ll be in the hayloft.

HADLEY/DEMON {chuckles] I thought you might like a sound bite for your show.

THEO Uh, we’re print news.

HADLEY/DEMON Too bad. That would have been sweet.

THEO But we do have a website!

LEONA But he wasn’t recording.

HADLEY/DEMON [disgruntled] Well, stay out of my way, then.

THEO You said tonight you would reveal all.

LEONA I’ll get the wide angle lens.

HADLEY/DEMON Tonight I will return an escaped soul back to hell!!!

LEONA Is his name Dickman?

HADLEY/DEMON He’s not an escapee. But we have him on our radar.

THEO Ew.

LEONA Good.

HADLEY/DEMON No, this is a soul that escaped and is even now cutting a swath across the country!

THEO and LEONA [unison] The weed-whacker!?

LEONA [musing] Scooping him is almost better than sending him to hell…

HADLEY/DEMON These cows are the living, breathing summoning spell. Watch as I circle them up, nose to tail--

LEONA Facing widdershins, I see.

THEO Huh?

LEONA Anti-clockwise?

THEO Oh.

HADLEY/DEMON It’s a satanic thing.

THEO Ahh.

LEONA Omigod!

HADLEY/DEMON [slightly offended] Please!

LEONA Just an interjection. I see it all now! I relaly do need to get up into the hayloft!

THEO Why?

HADLEY/DEMON Why don’t you both go up there and observe?

THEO Uh, okay.

LEONA Come on!

SOUND CLIMBING LADDER

HADLEY/DEMON [begins the chant] loren ipsum dolar sit amat…

THEO What am I supposed to see?

LEONA Look down!

SOUND SNAPPING PHOTOS, THROUGHOUT

THEO Uh...Cows.

LEONA and?

THEO Oh! Oh, wow! When they’re all in a circle like that, with the tattooed triangles on the inside, it makes--

LEONA A pentagram. Yeah. Trippy.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, OFF

THEO Did you hear that?

LEONA Hear what?

SIOUND CAMERA STILL CLICKING AWAY

THEO I’ll go check.

LEONA [absorbed in her work] Yeah, yeah.

SOUND CREAKING AS THEO MOVES

THEO [muttered] I think it was over … here?

DICKMAN [muffled a bit, dictating] Investigating strange noises in the barn, hoping that the killer was hiding out, I courageously – no, scratch that – with no thought for my own safety, just the safety of the world, I pressed on.

THEO [to self] Oh, heck! [quiet, calling] Leona?

LEONA [snapped hiss] Busy.

THEO Oh, boy…

SOUND OTHER DOOR SLAMS OPEN

HADLEY/DEMON [Cuts off in mid-sentence] [dramatic] You!

WW DEMON [dramatic] Yes, it is I!

HADLEY/DEMON [matter of fact] I’m here to take you home, Jerry.

WW DEMON I don’t wanna.

HADLEY/DEMON Too bad. Get in the box.

WW DEMON [huffy sigh] Fine. But I’m going because I want to and not because you told me to.

HADLEY/DEMON Yup. Just like the last four times. whatever.

SOUND SORT OF A WHISTLY NOISE

DICKMAN Is that it?

HADLEY/DEMON Yeah. Why?

DICKMAN Seems anti-climactic.

HADLEY/DEMON Who do I look like? Peter Jackson? Gotta go, then. [to Leona] One mor pic before I drop this carcass?

SOUND CLICK

DICKMAN [stunned] You!

LEONA [sneering] You!

THEO Uh, guys--!

SOUND WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE

DICKMAN This is my story, Leo. But I'll let you in as my photographer.

THEO Guys???

LEONA I'll give you a shot. But not from my camera!

SOUND WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE GETS LOUDER

THEO I'll be in the bushes.

SOUND WEIRD SWRILY EXPLOSION

Scene 16.

EXPLOSION TURNS INTO "on tape"

SOUND CLICK, turns off

CHIEF [concerned] Is Leona's film okay?

THEO Oh, yeah. It was the weirdest thing, too - no one was actually hurt, but they all had this weird blackout period. I guess I got away early enough to miss most of it, but even I don't rmember everything on the tape.

CHIEF Waitaminute - didn't you say in there somewhere that you didn't have your recorder on you?

THEO Uh, yeah...

SOUND DOOR OPENS, LEONA ENTERS

LEONA Here's those photos.

SOUND SLAPS THEM DOWN

CHIEF [going through] yeah, yeah. Yeah - OHHH! Nice goat. Yeah, yeah. Cute. Holy crap!

LEONA [chuckles]

THEO Hwat - what was that?

CHIEF I take it this compromising picture of Forsythe Dickman the third has some little part in why you got his story without him arguing at all?

LEONA [overly innocent] Nah - he just admitted that it was all one story from the beginning, and since we did all the work--

THEO [confidential] It was really hard, getting the goat to stand still for the picture!

CHIEF you didn't- uh - I mean, that poor goat!

LEONA Nah, once we got her into the tutu - it's all in the lighting.

THEO Was harder to dress Dickman.

CHIEF Well, get out of here and write up your story-- My personal shopper Pierre is gonna be in here any minute - Wednesday is intimates.

LEONA Going. Now.

SOUND THEY RUSH OUT

Scene 17.

REPORTER FRED Oh, please, you're the fourth Hitler sighting this week!

REPORTER KATHY Are you sure these tiny people who appear when you drink from your magic bottle aren't just ...uh... D-Ts?

REPORTER BOB And you're willing to wear that fur suit and infiltrate the secret hideout? Do you know the paw-shake?

SOUND HANG UP PHONE

REPORTER JUNE [excited yell] Aliens are landing in Branson!!! They're demanding tickets for Dolly!

END

200 episodes