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A rich, aromatic blend of humor, sarcasm, weird pop culture references, sly asides for the Mensa members, and storytelling that allows you to experience those old movies that we all love in a new, different, and hopefully funny way. Join four time Rondo Award nominated host Bill Mize as he takes you on a sarcastic storytelling journey into our B Movie past.
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Bill Watches Movies
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The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)
2:02:21
2:02:21
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In which we bid a fond farewell to the show, by taking a look at my favorite monster movie of all time, “The Creature From The Black Lagoon”, listen to some goodbyes and some final feedback during intermission, and turn off the projector one last time. Bonus points for Hot Number Julie Adams memories, the explanation of the number 346, more informa…
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In which we scrap Plans 1 through 8, and decide to take over the planet Earth using Plan 9, which involves Sassy UFO Based Drag Queen Overlords, Reanimated Dead People who probably wish they had remained un-animated, Paper Plate Flying Saucers, and a Fabulous Space Station in dire need of a Queer Eye For The Space Guy makeover. Bonus points for Zom…
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In which a race of advanced interstellar beings who look suspiciously like gorillas wearing diving helmets with antenna on top, visit Earth and decide that they're going to kill everyone on the planet and then make it a nice vacation getaway for themselves, only to be thwarted by one of their own falling in love with the last remaining woman of leg…
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In which two acknowledged masters of the horror genre meet again under the Hammer Films banner, but this time, instead of one giving life to the other, one is decidedly trying to end the life of the other, as Sir Peter Cushing as Doctor Van Helsing, and Sir Christopher Lee as Count Dracula, chase each other through hell and half of Klausenberg in t…
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In which a Gentle Canadian Hobo with the aid of a Beautiful Woman On The Run, and a Sage Teacher With A Secret, discovers his true family history, finds love (maybe) and learns how to channel and use his psychic powers, which includes the ability to make people’s heads explode. Bonus points for Self-Trepanning, Angry Patrick McGoohan Overacting, Ps…
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In which we discover that crime actually does pay, and pay quite well. Starring a Gentleman Thief with Dreamy Grey Eyes, a Buxom Blonde Assistant, and a Disheveled Always One Step Behind Police Inspector, we travel to Italy for a very good Mario Bava Comic Book Movie, in the Diabolik Cinematic Universe. Bonus points for multiple Jaguars (car, not t…
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Bill Watches Movies
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The Monster of Piedras Blancas (1959)
2:02:12
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In which we have a meeting of The Creature From The Black Lagoon Fan Club, and decide whether or not to allow a new member from the coast of California into the organization. They seem to have the right amount of lust, aggression, age and close proximity to water, so we’ll at least give them a chance to plead their case. Bonus points for teenage he…
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In which The Greater Tokyo Area is yet again attacked by a giant monster, and the combined military needs their collective fats pulled out of the fire by an astronaut team that makes F Troop look like Mensa members. Bonus points for Bic lighter based jet engines, awkward and unrequited love, girls taking showers together, and the overzealous use of…
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In which two giants of the horror genre meet for the first time, one playing a prissy fussbudget bent on playing God and creating man in a very, very ugly image, and the other playing said man, bent on teaching the prissy fussbudget a lesson for bringing him back from the dead when he was perfectly happy in the afterlife. Bonus points for Sir Peter…
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In which we learn that crime does not pay, and that all trespassers will be punished severely via various torture devices, right after the seemingly abandoned castle owner, who thinks that he is the reincarnation of a long dead executioner puts on his little wrestling/torturing outfit. Bonus points for numerous revealing outfit changes by the young…
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In which we watch the worst version of Mission: Impossible EVER, throw in some martial arts, some religious zealotry, a few hot blondes and then top it off with a drunken politician and a slow motion motorcycle chase. Bonus points for death by bull goring and pizza cutter kung-fu shoes. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG S…
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In which we are again taken into The Starman Cinematic Universe and watch the Best Spandex Clad Butt In Japan fight against lizard people, COVID-19, mask mandates and save the world for democracy, Big Pharma and young Japanese children. Bonus points for Female Lizard Gandalf Wizard Action. And parkour. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill'…
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In which we celebrate our third anniversary, along with Colonel Moses, Foxy Cleopatra, Vampire Jim Jones, and his cult of robed, albino, Luddite followers. Bonus points for a lime green velvet jacket and ruffled shirt combo that would make Mozart squeal and write a symphony about its magnificence. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tab…
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Bill Watches Movies
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Hercules in the Haunted World (1961)
1:59:02
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In which we are taken to Ancient Rome, the land of the leather Speedo, and watch tanned and oiled bodybuilder Reg Clark throw Stonehengian boulders around, travel to the Underworld to rescue his main squeeze, and see more chiffon togas than you can shake a stick (or a boulder) at. Bonus points for Sir Christopher Lee doing his best Dracula/Not Drac…
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In which Death Rides A Horse, as opposed to Death Taking An Uber, Death Having Difficulty Hailing A Taxi, or Death Being A Responsible Citizen And Taking Public Transportation. In this Spaghetti Western, we have The Master Ninja himself, Lee Van Cleef, full of porn ‘stache and scowl, taking on bad guys and becoming somewhat of a father figure to a …
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In which we once again take a Spring Break trip down to Horror Mexico, and meet up with Santo - The Saint - The Man in the Silver Mask, as he fights crime in a wax museum, uses state of the art technology, takes a knife to the back and lives, and occasionally wrestles to pay the bills. Bonus points for pointy bras, photographers with agency, Mid-Ce…
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In which we decide to call the Red Planet Mars long distance, and, when they answer, we destroy Communism, destroy the world economy and find Jesus in 90 minutes or less. Bonus points for wife with agency who ain’t having her mansplaining husbands nonsense. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! …
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In which we venture into the Bert I. Gordon Cinematic Universe, complete with a Giant Spider, a small town Sheriff, a mansplaining Science Teacher, teen romance, and of course, a little rock and roll. Bonus points for a daughter with Dead Daddy Issues. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy B…
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In which a pulp era Asian Evil Genius Bent On World Domination® tries to take over the world, or at least kill a great deal of it through the use of botanical essential oils, only to be thwarted by his own greed and a Dollar Store Sherlock Holmes and Watson. Bonus points for Evil Asian Daughter Daddy’s Girl. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website!…
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In which CIA Agent Bob Fleming, last seen in Secret Agent Fireball (Episode 14), returns to smooch, shoot, sarcasm and boring suit his way through another “exciting” adventure, this time in Mission Casablanca, to save the world from evil women with on point cat eye makeup. Bonus points for angry drunken dwarf in a fez. Visit the "Bill Watches Movie…
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In which the girls of the Pi Kappa Sigma begin to turn up dead. We’ve got a drunken, sassy sister, a pure virginal sister, a cute Jewish sister, and of course The Final Sister who survives it all. Bonus points for Sexy Seventies John Saxon. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee…
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Bill Watches Movies
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The World, The Flesh and the Devil (1959)
2:26:06
2:26:06
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In which 99% of the world dies due to “Atomic Dust”, and the only folks left are a black guy, a white girl, and a white guy who doesn’t take no for an answer. Bonus points for being the worst version of The Stand EVER. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish L…
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In which the intergalactic Green Lantern known as Starman comes to earth, befriends orphans, the nun who watches over them, then invades an underground lair and stops a nuclear war. Bonus points for best spandex clad butt on a superhero. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! B…
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In which the large gelatinous eye of Jabba the Hut sends one of his best looking scientists to earth to have him create a few sexy zombies, resurrect some classic monsters, and prepare for the upcoming invasion and subsequent enslavement of everyone. It doesn’t go well. At all. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill…
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In which we return to Horror Mexico for our annual vacation, and bring Santo along to battle Vampire Women, drive fast convertibles and wear capes that make Liberace jealous. No Blue Demon this time. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!…
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In which an amateur filmmakers’ $4 million dollar vanity project goes missing for decades, the filmmaker mysteriously dies, and then it’s rediscovered for all our enjoyment. Hint: It should have stayed missing. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!…
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Bill Watches Movies
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Frankenstein Meets The Spacemonster (1965)
1:41:03
1:41:03
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In which we have an alien princess dressed like I Dream of Jeannie who tries to invade Puerto Rico, only to be stopped by meddling bikini-clad teens and an android astronaut. Disclaimer: No actual Frankensteins appear in this picture. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill…
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In which an old west preacher with a wandering eye and a slightly crazy wife get sidetracked into a small town with a deaf mute sculptress, an inept mayor and Henry Silva’s magnificent porn ‘stache. Oh, and did we mention that the entire town is a bunch of devil worshipers? Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's P…
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In which the magnificent and awesome Peter Cushing and Forrest Whitaker from F Troop travel to the Himalayas, meet ancient monks, drink awful tea, and then wander around a bit to try and catch a Yeti. Spoiler Alert: They get more than they bargained for. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy…
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In which an alien race of cape wearing disco overlords travel to earth, live in a large globe near Mt. Fuji and unleash earthquakes and a giant anteater robot in an effort to enslave us. Oh, and they want to mate with our women, of course. Shocked/Not Shocked. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Websit…
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In which a lonely man who lives in a shack down by the river and needs to get out more is given a mystical amulet that allows him to talk to sharks, but not women. Bonus points for crazy Florida people almost being killed by a hurricane. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! B…
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In which some construction workers in London’s Underground unearth a prehistoric spaceship that contains our locust shaped alien overlords capable of mind control. So of course, all hell breaks loose, literal and figurative. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon …
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In which we travel to Hawaii, land of paradise, full of palm trees and umbrella drinks, to watch bikini clad Playboy playmates fight crime, drive around in jeeps and avoid mutant snakes. Trigger warning for skateboarder killed by bazooka. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! …
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Bill Watches Movies
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Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters (1970)
2:02:25
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In which we travel to Horror Mexico, land of the crime fighting luchador, and watch Santo and Blue Demon fight ALL the monsters, mad scientists and their midget assistants in their underground lair. Bonus points for capes that would make Liberache jealous and sports cars that go zoom zoom. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RP…
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In which we have a secret agent movie involving Old Spock, Poor Man’s Peter Lorre, the cold war, cars that turn into boats, a helicopter chase and random smooching of women. But no sharks with laser beams on their foreheads. BOO. BOO I SAY. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee…
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In which a movie made three years before Close Encounters of the Third Kind manages to be light years behind in plot, acting, and Commodore 64 computer generated weirdness. Bonus points for disco music and bell bottom jeans. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon …
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In which three beautiful women and one dork riding in their carriage through the countryside get waylaid and head to the castle of Count Dracula, who has gotten shorter, gone to the gym, and is a bit emotional and needy. Bonus Points for vampiric Charlie’s Angels. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal We…
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Bill Watches Movies
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Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory (1961)
2:05:14
2:05:14
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In which a young, attractive teacher who might or might not be a werewolf is assigned to a secluded, girls only private school full of pretty young things who scamper about doing teen girl stuff. Bonus Points for Golden Corral for lycanthropes. All you can eat! Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Websi…
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In which the most evil man in history gets his head cut off, and remains alive only to be put in a jar and carried around like an angry hat box, wanting to bring about the Fourth Reich. And then decides to invade a small sleepy island country. Bonus Points for Nazi Blues Brothers and a Dollar Store Carmen Miranda. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" We…
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In which a cranky old scientist on a Greek island tries and tries to warn the world that they are going to be destroyed by a giant meteor unless they go all Bruce Willis In Armageddon and destroy it. But they don’t listen because, well, he’s a cranky old scientist. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal W…
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Happy Halloween! To celebrate this most awesome of holidays, I am, with permission, performing an wonderful essay written by David Colton, former editor at USA Today, and current Grand Poobah of The Rondo Awards and The Classic Horror Film Boards called "Monster Kids". It's an annual tradition for David to post the essay on the above CHFB every Hal…
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In which the prissy, sassy and mean descendant of the famous doctor creates a woman of his own in his suburban basement, with less than satisfying results. She ugly, won’t make him a sandwich and won’t kill on command. Well, THAT'S a bummer. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffe…
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In which an Oscar winning actor playing a cranky scientist NOT named Quatermass must defend England from a slow moving, bus sized blob of radioactive chocolate pudding capable of face melting the entire nation, and the crushing governmental bureaucracy that comes with it. Again, totally, totally not named Quatermass. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies"…
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In which a crashed meteorite releases a germ that creates a slow moving, crystalline monster bent on eventually destroying your small desert town out in the middle of nowhere. Eventually. Just add water. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!…
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In which Count Dracula, Vlad the Impaler, the most powerful vampire in history decides to give it all up, downsize and retire to a small town in Podunk, California, hit on your teenage sister and avoid going to church. Bonus Points for a Dracula with an actual authentic foreign accent. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Si…
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In which man (and one token woman) finally make it to the moon, and discover leotard clad, interpretive dancing, Vulcan looking, telepathic single cat women, bent on invading earth. And dating our men. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!…
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In which an experiment with Nuclear Science Stuff goes horribly wrong, and a guy gets turned into a demon. That can’t go out into the sun. Bonus points for bad jazz, drunken scientists, and guerilla film making on a shoestring budget. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill…
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In which a newlywed bride heads to the swamps of Louisiana to look for her errant husband who left her on a train by herself and who also may or may not have been turned in to an alligator. Spoiler alert: He was, Gentle Listener. He was. Bonus Points for horror legend Lon Chaney Jr. as a hook handed drunk with questionable driving skills, a shack i…
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