Hand Turkey LLC Podcasts

BRAP BRAP! What's going on, Internet? Oh boy, do we have a story -- it's about a nonsense podcast that has run for nearly the length of a full U.S. primary education (with, come to think of it, pretty equivalent educational standards and pay for the teachers). But now, it is the proverbial graduation ceremony, which means it's time to get day-drunk…

Gadzooks! After more than 11 years of this nonsense horseplay, we're finally putting the ol' button back under the protective glass and pretending to go about our lives as well-respected adults who have it all figured out. Yes, the Comedy Button is coming to a close with our final episode, coming to you at the end of February/beginning of March/som…

We manage to introduce the show three different times thanks to the dumb Internet turning off. In part 1, Kristin tells us about her new acting career. Then in part 2, after we lose Kristin, we get lost on some tangent about bumper stickers. Finally, in the epic conclusion, Kristin makes her surprise return and we learn about TikTok haircut culture…

Ryan blows no one's mind with Laff-A-Lympics lore, we learn all about the thin and colorful lines that dumb people put on flags, we do our annual check-in on terrible candy, and we still have that dream about eating a cheese pizza in an airport limo. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.…

The Comedy Button presents: A New Year's PSA to clean up your dog's poop. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Kristin shares her birthday plans, we learn George Jetson facts, Ryan gets UM ACTUALLY'd, and we learn about all the times Kristin laughed at some dumb stuff. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

We learn about Pilates, revisit some of the worst sounds on this show, share some George Washington facts, reveal our most-desired cartoon injuries, and offer up some parenting advice. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Ryan attempts to turn this into an ASMR podcast (with horrifying results), Max has a Tim Dolphin update, Scott loves him some Tay Sway, and we collectively discover the dumbest bears, the worst Etsy listings, and the pitfalls of Mystery Inc's business structure, in some of the worst radio we could possibly muster. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Broml…

Kristin tells us about her haunted private school, Max is the new hype man for upcoming YouTube star Tim Dolphin (be sure to stick around after the episode for a brief clip), Ryan is somehow starting to feel better about life, and we declare Renaissance Faire to actually be Renaissance Convention. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, an…

We bring you up-to-date on stupid candy just in time for Halloween, investigate where all the hotel bibles went, recount the Estevez brothers' many stupid ideas in life, and warmly reminisce about John Leguizamo's best movie. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.

We learn too much about America's Funniest Home Videos, reveal what we would do if we were talking dogs, figure out where the porn gets filmed, debate this year's this year's Halloween costumes, and recall our fondest food poisoning memories. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.…

We talk about Waterworld more than anyone ever has, Brian nearly kidnaps a child by mistake, we ask too many questions about X-Men bathroom habits, and Kristin tells us about the world's most horrifying jewelry. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Kristin goes to Medieval Times and Disneyland, Brian and Max go to Germany, Scott goes to Michigan through a newspaper, and Ryan talks less than he ever has in the history of this show. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Scott reports on his latest big dumb trip to Michigan, we learn way too much about fancy ice cream coffee desserts, Max holds a problematic film festival for himself, and Ryan discusses the oeuvre of Andy Sidaris. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.…

We dunk on Scott since he's not here, and then Brian and Max tell us all about their stupid and terrible San Diego Comic-Con COVID-19 adventure. Three down, two to go! Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Kristin is the first of us to go on a big COVID adventure, Brian remembers all of New Jersey's weird laws, and we get a bunch of movies with the same title mixed up. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

The Comedy Button curse strikes Great America! But we don't care, because half of us went on some really dumb vacations, and Brian learned that even homes in haunted swamps are unaffordable. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.

Evidently there are thumb truthers who believe that we only have eight fingers, so, that's a thing. Kristin also gets to tell us all about her trip to Spain, but not before Ryan derails the podcast for 15 minutes to dorksplain the country's most accomplished tennis player. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin …

We talk about all the Stranger Things, remember Paramount's old theme parks, catch up with a very fake Jonathan Taylor Thomas, imagine how many porno pizzas get delivered in New York, and discover some fake shared memories about the giant cartoon checks they used to hand out on TV. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.…

We find another alternate Ryan Scott, discover Facebook's fake Brian Altano, weigh the use of ROFL in 2022, come up with some fun stuff to do in San Francisco (wrong answers only), and reveal our personal Hobbit tier lists. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.…

After a super-serious intro (not really), we rank the best ghost-hunting shows, learn about midwifery, listen to Kristin's pitch for a dating show, and run down some unfortunate college acronyms. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Kristin encounters a public porn-watcher and takes in some drunk Shakespeare, Brian joins the Stein Society, half the cast gets onboard with ad hoc parenting, and we answer a bunch of rapid-fire questions. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Winamp still whips the llama's ass, the Great Gatsby is still pretty good, Willy Wonka is still very weird, and and Jared Leto still sucks. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.

We do some Urban Dictionary deep-dives, celebrate the oeuvre of Nicolas Cage, share some cool tricks to avoid working, and get a visit from the Brain Cops. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Brian cooks the worst meal of his life, Scott melts his jukebox, Kristin owns the world's newest medieval jug, we reveal the secret origin of our podcast's name, and 4-H gets a Comedy Button makeover. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

We have a spirited discussion about our favorite gas station brands and treats (seriously this is what it's come to), imagine the most effective way to fight Ryan as a bird, give mad props to our boy Lanky Kong, and pick out our most favorite old YouTube shows and memes like the geriatric millennials that we are. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromle…

We decide what our drug nicknames are, explore the local porn forests, learn that Brian's mom was a hard-boiled party detective, and recount the longest lies we've ever kept up. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

We examine the carbon footprint of breast implants, have a debate about monkey bread, try to decide which of two crimes are worse, and hear Kristin's best guess at the plot of Superman Returns. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

We celebrate the happy-so-far new year with some scheduling changes, learn about the time Scott's wife almost killed him, try to imagine what the worst giant animal would be, and discover way too much about nightmare McDonald's playground equipment. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Kristin Van De Yar.…

The world suddenly makes a lot more sense when you realize there are no actual adults anywhere up in here, especially when it's five nonsense people trying to imagine which Master of Disguise scene Dana Carvey was filming when 9/11 happened. And that's a wrap on 2021, everyone! Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kri…

Kristin had an awesome surprise birthday party, we try to explain NFTs, Max got us a bunch of silly Christmas gifts, and somehow they made like 17 more Home Alone movies that we're just now finding out about. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

We imagine an alternate universe where Master P had a popular rap about Final Fantasy, recount how stupid the Death of Superman was, and fondly remember our local teen troublemaking spots. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

There are now so many Marvel movies that we can't remember all of them, so instead of worrying about that malarkey, we try to figure just what the heck a warlock is, and why it's better than a wizard (spoiler: it's not). Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.

Scott reveals his big surprise to the world, Ryan doesn't know what's in a bugout bag, the Bromley family ran the world's weirdest camgirl show, and -- a little too late -- we discover a hilariously unfortunate namesake. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.…

We're all Dum-Dums in this episode, as we explain Tootsie Pop superstitions, recount the times we were terrible, experience the longest and most convoluted story Kristin has ever told, and remember the biggest messes we've ever had to clean up. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.…

Kristin shares her hair tips, Scott finds the dumbest reason to visit Party City, we wonder why there aren't more good werewolf movies, and we were all probably that one bad friend at some point. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Kristin tries to figure out TikTok, social media believes all kinds of wrong and stupid things about us, our horoscopes are definitely not a bunch of nonsense, and we wish some sweet toys upon our younger selves. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Welcome to our dystopian hellscape, where a guy ate at Six Flags on the cheap for seven years, and Max crashed a social influencer's debauched birthday party. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

We have a very strange conversation about Mummies Alive, wonder about horse treats, try to imagine what sorts of 2010s nostalgia we'll be inundated with in 20 years, and debate traveling through time to talk to ourselves. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.

Yep, it's your favorite movie review podcast, the Comedy Button. After talking about Ghostbusters, we workshop ideas for a footlong chicken nugget, debate hot dog burgers vs. burger hot dogs, and learn about Max's Harry Potter panic attack. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.…

For our extra-special and totally well-planned 10th anniversary episode, we gave Brian and Scott the night off so we could shame some truly terrible parents, make a list of our favorite overhyped cities, plan Ryan's imaginary political campaign, and review all the bad movies that came out four years ago. Starring Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Krist…

We say way too many words about Pokemon, have our annual monster cereal discussion, divulge everything we know about memes, and guess what Dune is about. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Jared Petty returns to tell us why having a breakthrough case of COVID-19 really sucks and also explain why his stairs collapsed, and then we delve into the wild west of the early Internet. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville, with special guest Jared Petty.

Jared Petty is here to tell us about his new place, shed a tear for his favorite tree, and talk about all kinds of dumb comics and tabletop games and terrible technology. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville, with special guest Jared Petty.

Scott's latest boring white people vacation was at a weird haunted hotel, we discover that there are Yelp reviews of websites, we remember the times we got suckered by targeted ads, and Ryan imagines how he would handle real-life stadium events. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.…

Kristin tells us about her Hawaiian vacation, we dig deep on Charles Entertainment Cheese, and everyone reveals how they would break up with Ryan. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

We discuss the oeuvre of Jenna Jameson, discover that we are all Garfield, try to figure out what Miracle Whip is, and figure out what Ryan's stupid quest would be if he were Indiana Jones. Starring Brian Altano, Scott Bromley, Ryan Scott, and Max Scoville.

In this very stupid episode, we make a Dungeons & Dragons alignment chart for fast food restaurants. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

Max tells us about the weirdos he went to art school with, Kristin destroys her academic bell curve, and Brian recounts some house party fights. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.

The Internet's #1 podcast for The Suicide Squad, boomerang shapes, jury duty tips, and Love Island theorycrafting. Starring Brian Altano, Ryan Scott, Max Scoville, and Kristin Van De Yar.