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You've been hanging on to that cliff for too long! It's time for us to set you free and reveal the murderer! Or MURDERERS!! This week it's all about windows and doors and locks and nails and hair but mainly windows and locks and doors and did we mention windows?! Get ready for the payoff of to the world's FIRST detective story. You're not going to …
 
Move over Sherlock, pipe down Poirot, check yourself Miss Marple - there's a new detective in town and he's the real og. This week we meet the incredible deductive mind of August Dupin - a sexy, forceful and profoundly arogant amateur detective cleaning up the streets of Paris with nothing more than his wit, his assistant and his incredible telepat…
 
You look down at your large red powerful hands. You clench one into a fist and pump it triumphantly into the air! You've finished Book 5 of War and Peace and rightly want the world to know about. "What next?!" You scream. "I need more!!" It's time to put your knowledge of Book 5 to the ultimate test. We've got questions about: bones, hands, horses,…
 
It's the end of Book 5 AND the end of Volume 1 of War and Peace - and there are just so many unanswered questions: Will Denisov escape the law? Will peace last forever? Will the surfs ever truly be free? Why was that hospital so awful? Will Nicky get an arbitrary promotion for no reason in particular? Where did all those bones come from? Who the he…
 
Casual clothes day, dress down day, own clothes day, free dress day, non-uniform day, uniform free day, wear what you want day... Whatever you call it, it might be a day you look back on fondly, remembering that time you wore your favourite jeans to school and everyone said "great jeans". Or perhaps it's memory you've locked deep in your memory she…
 
🇺🇦 How to support the people of Ukraine 🇺🇦 Support from the UK Support from the US Other ways to help from your country // We've had mustard plasters, hot beef tea and leeches. In this week's episode we can add one more questionable healthcare practice to our list: laughter You know what they say? "A giggle a day keeps the Doctor away!" Be sure to …
 
If you've assembled an IKEA cupboard or two you'll know how essential good, clear instructions are. They really can make the difference between having an attractive, sturdy cupboard, or finding yourself poisoned, shot and starving after a monumental argument. This week we're opening a couple of WAP instructional manuals - first we'll be leafing thr…
 
Pierre the perfect pilgrim pleaser pleases pilgrims perfectly in this week's perfectly priceless episode of WAPIN7. PAUSE! "Pierre? Perfect!? " You proudly protest! Well yes! Pierre is a perfect, polished, patient, professional, pleasant, punctilious and perfectly perfect player and it's about time everyone knew it! Preach! // patreon.com/wapin7 - …
 
This week we're talking Serfs - the indentured workforce of 1800s Russia, bonded to a lifetime of hard labor for zero pay as they slowly die from preventable diseases in their rat infested hovels. We'll be asking "Is that really that bad?" and hearing things like "Maybe my Serfs are actually having a great time?" as well as "Even if it won't cost m…
 
We just got a meta letter! I wonder who it's from? A letter inside another letter! I wonder who it's from?! A letter longer than time itself... I wonder who it's from!! A special special meta letter that's super extra long! WHO IS IT FROM?!?! JUST TELL ME! There's only one way to find out... // patreon.com/wapin7 - Would ye support the podcast, me …
 
Warm up your mouth, polish your teeth and fill your lungs because it's time to party! Yes that's right, you are invited to another sensational Anna 1 get together where your hips absolutely will not do the talking, but your lips certainly will. Prepare to chat, schmooze, and wag your chin all the way to the top as you compete with the greatest smal…
 
We've all joined ultra secretive societies before. We all know the drill: box of bones, blindfold, various sets of gloves with incredibly specific uses, a trowel, some aprons, secret hieroglyphs, an unknowable mystery, various states of undress and of course a very very very large bill to be paid immediately! For those of you who haven't joined a s…
 
Ahoy me hearties! What better way to start Book 5 than with an old sea shanty! One sad man in a very sad place Yo ho ho and a bottle of vodka Enter the Pirate King with a large round face Yo ho ho and a bottle of vodka Who is the Pirate King? What does he want? Why is he yelling? Why does he only eat tiny bits of sugar? There's only one way to find…
 
What happens when you take a boring old monkey paw, fill it with magical evilness and exactly three wishes, and give it to an unsuspecting family who like playing chess and listening to the wind? Will they wish for world peace? Will they wish for the world's best clown? Will they wish for more paws? There's only one way to find out... "Monkey Paw, …
 
You've finished book 4 of the greatest book of all time! You're feeling proud, brave and completely diplomat. You howl with pride. Howl like a recently cursed werewolf singing his heart out at the clavichord. Just as you reach the crescendo of your happy wolf song it dawns on you... Do I actually remember anything? Well do you?! It's quiz time! We'…
 
Ancient Russian legends speak of an old curse. It is said there is a man, human at a glance, but listen to him sing and you will hear the beautiful and sad voice of a wolf. This half man, half wolf, is older than time itself. Through the millenia he has sought but one thing, one thing that could finally release him from his furry prison - true love…
 
The first rule of Ping-Pong-Cricket cards is: you do not talk about Ping-Pong-Cricket-Cards. The second rule of Ping-Pong-Cricket Cards: you DO NOT talk about Ping-Pong-Cricket Cards! Third rule of Fight Club, sorry Ping-Ping-Cricket Cards: if someone yells “stop!”, goes limp, or taps out, the Ping-Pong-Cricket Card game is over. Theres only one qu…
 
TONIGHT @ IOGELS Moscow's Hottest Club 1806 Get ready YOUNG PEOPLE for the biggest night of the year: the alcopops are flowing, the beats are gnarlier than Napoleon, and the dance moves are completely diplomat! Yes it's SINGLES NIGHT at IOGELS. Don't miss out, book your tickets now. GUEST LIST ONLY. ALCOPOP FOUNTAIN. DANCE COMP. /// patreon.com/wap…
 
We've had some good times over the last 64 episodes haven't we? We've laughed, we've loved, we've danced the Cooper. Absolutely, there was a small amount of horrifying war, and just a touch of mindless violence. But overall, it's been a lot of fun. But as the saying goes, sometimes life gives you pineapples, and sometimes life drops hundreds of hug…
 
Shy Moscovite Pierre (Hugh Grant) meets Moscovian Hélène (Andie MacDowell) at their own wedding and enjoys several months of marriage to her. The next time they meet, at their own house, Hélène is accompanied by a poor but amusing lover Dolokhov (Corin Redgrave), leaving Pierre heartbroken. Never mind, with the bald hills on the horizon, there's st…
 
The party continues! As guests greedily sup turtle soup and toast every single person in Russia a storm is brewing... Not a literal storm, like a storm, but an internal storm. What happens when a massive man with long sad hair and giant healthy red hands is pushed to his limits? Will he explode like a large massive bomb; or will he just sit there l…
 
Dear Listener, You are cordially invited to an evening of fine dining, amusements, and powerful dancing at The English Club. In attendance will be one SPECIAL GUEST plus Russia's oldest and wealthiest men, and of course me, the sauciest boy in town Count 'Sauce guy' Rostov. Truly it is not to be missed. Over 18 delightful courses we will travel the…
 
Say goodbye to Season 3 because it's time for Season 4! The war is having a well deserved holiday. It's tired from all the retreating and endless bouts of foggy mist and misty misty fog. Even though we're far from the front lines of the actual war there is still a war... but this war is a war between rigid social norms and being honest to your feel…
 
It's that wonderful time of the season... QUIZ TIME! What can you remember from book 3 of War and Peace? It's time to don your finest velvet reading cape, pour a large glass of steaming hot beef tea and retreat deep inside your memory shed. We've got questions about mailboxes, fog, the 1971 film Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and of course s…
 
It's the early 19th century and a handsome single chap with loads of dosh has moved in just round the corner. There's only thing to do: gossip. Dust off your reading cape, iron your finest party hat and check the tires on your chaise because we're going to a party! Who will do the most backflips? Which daughter will be the best at potentially being…
 
We wanted it to be on. We waited for it to be on. Now it's actually on, and it might be better if it was off. Can we change our minds? Last week we were left desperately hanging from the literary cliff, and this week we're boldly letting go. Join us as we descend through the soup-thick fog in search of answers... Who is dead? Who is alive? Have we …
 
Where once there was fog, or maybe dense mist, but probably definitely fog, now there lies smoke. Like an incredibly dense super-fog, the smoke hides all it touches... Has the averagely tall Napoleon's dastardly plan paid off? Is everyone dead? Will the Russians find their way out of this hyper-fog-mist-smoke-hybrid? We'd be lying if we said it was…
 
The fog was thick. Thick as a thick, thick bowl of fog soup. Everywhere young Nicky Rostov turned he saw the dense white of the horrible thick fog. It was like being inside a pie made entirely of milk. "Hello!" he shouted "It's me Nicky Rostov is anyone there?" The thick, milky fog consumed his words like a pack of pigeons around an unlucky chip. "…
 
Yeah we're doing this again... We're sorry, OK! We were so sure it was on before and so we said it was "on" but then it wasn't "on" and then this episode happened and at the end we were both like, "oh boy, it really is on now!" To be honest we don't know if it's on. We hope it's on. We're so sorry if it turns out that next week it isn't actually on…
 
Diary - I've simply got to tell you! Something incredible has happened. Are you ready??? I actually MET the emperor today, the real Russian emperor, and it was A-MAZ-ING!!! Here's what happened... I was standing around on the road feeling MAD about not getting to do any fighting when suddenly everything slowed down. Everyone was quiet, and it was l…
 
Oompa loompa doompety doo We've got a perfect chapter for you Oompa loompa doompety doris This one is sort of all about Boris What do you get when you want a sweet job? Stories of Emperor's dropping their stuff Who is the short man shifty as hell? Standing and staring, run but don't yell! We don't like the look of it /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Suppor…
 
These days we think nothing of receiving a sick gif from great grandma Bing, or a wicked TikTok from second uncle Pepe. There's no limit to the number of dope memes pinging live into our notification zones, hot and fresh from friends far and wide. Back in 1805 though, Tikhon was the closest you came to TikTok, and if you wanted to see Count Rostov …
 
Might Mary maybe marry? And Anatole... an angel awaits? Naysayer Nasty Nick needs "NO!" Tikhon turnip turtle train... OK, enough of the amazing alliteration. There's mystery aplenty in this week's episode: someone has a tail, there's irrefutable proof of a superpower and Mary's fate is finally fettled, sorry, settled! Mary, is it a 'YES!' or a 'NO!…
 
Dearest Listener, You are cordially invited to the 1805 FATHER OF THE YEAR awards, recognising some of the most incredible, selfless and thoughtful fathering from the past twelve months. Taking place at the famous Sad Mansion, this year's gala will be an unforgettable event - with catering from the renowned McTurtle Food Corp™, music from the tripl…
 
We're back at Sad Mansion and there really is snow way out. It's time to arrange another wedding, so let's really dial up the sad-ometer! Nasty Nick is back and he is positively piste! His angry sneezes are seconds away from causing an avalanche of misery. Will he succeed in making everyone in the house cry? Will he pull off the biggest prank of th…
 
You know the feeling - your bags are packed, you've triple checked the passports, your pockets are stuffed with travel ham. This is going to be the best holiday ever. But as your horse drawn taxi clatters toward the airport a terrible sensation creeps up your spine. What have you forgotten? You took the bear to the bear sitter, check. Household gas…
 
Sick and tired of having grapes shot at you all day? Fed up of cheese rolls and barefooted handsome psychopaths? Are you longing for your old life of decadence? A life of seemingly endless and interchangeable social gatherings? A life full of turtle-based snacks and unforgettable anecdotes from the freshest diplomatists that Russia has to offer? Ar…
 
This week we're giving Tolstoy a well earned rest - while he enjoys a Turkish pipe and a nice hot bath, we're diving head first into the blue, blood-warm waters of William Golding's Lord of the Flies. Lauded alongside War and Peace as one of the greatest books of all time, Lord of the Flies finally answers the age old question 'should society be ex…
 
You've finished Book 2 of War and Peace! Take a bow. The crowd are chanting your name! "YOU ARE SO DIPLOMAT !" They scream and cry. Flowers fall from the sky. You wipe a single tear from your cheek and take a triumphant bite of delicious ham. If you've been with us from the start, or are but a simple traveller on the literary podcast hig…
 
Hi Will, I've just been going through the official WAPIN7 End of Book Checklist, and I'm pleased to say today's episode really has got it all: ✅ Intense dramatic tension ✅ New horse x 1 ✅ Andy Pandy mic droppin' all over the shop ✅ Incredible literary prose ✅ Multiple descriptions of HANDS ✅ Unbelievable displays of military incompetence ✅ Minor ar…
 
Suddenly Adverb quickly and without warning; unexpectedly Will was perfectly summarising a chapter of War and Peace when suddenly Steve interjected and told him off for saying “‘suddenly” too much. Will, like the hapless General, turned purple with rage and was about to defend his honour when SUDDENLY - Be honest, you’re extremely intrigued to find…
 
Goodbye, Darren, my old friend You were a horsey to the end You softly galloped on your sweet hooves The bravest friend that we could ever lose I have a vision, of you nibbling on some hay In the sky Within the barn of silence. Read the full eulogy: https://wapin7.com/episode/42-it-has-continued /// tolstoy@wapin7.com - Email us or send us somethin…
 
You'd be forgiven for thinking the beginning of the book was the beginning - oh how naive you are! 41 chapters in and now it's really time to get things started. The horses are primed, the ham supplies are looking good and the cannon balls have been mopped to perfection. One thing we hadn't thought of was the requirement of an extremely well dresse…
 
Do you want to be SUCCESSFUL? Do you want to be IMPRESSIVE, FAMOUS and ATTRACTIVE? Do you want to be heroically KILLED BY GRAPE SHOT? If the answer to any of these questions is 'YES I DO', 'PERHAPS' or 'NOT REALLY' then WAPIN7's Climbing The Success Pyramid is the hot new motivational book for YOU. Learn why the most successful people only ever wea…
 
You know the saying, "War and Peace go together like birds of a feather". Birds have lots of feathers, you see, and a bird would not actually be legally called a bird if it had no feathers... Which is a lot like war and peace when you think about it. I mean, when you really think about it. Can you ever truly have peace without having some war? Does…
 
Andy Pandy, aged 20¼ Tuesday 19th November, 1805 Bilibin's house, Brunn, Austria Dear Diary, I'M SO EXCITED I CAN BARELY SLEEP! Tomorrow I'm going to see the Emperor (finally!) and I'm going to tell him all about my amazing victory! I've brushed my whole uniform so I'll look 'totally on fleek as heck' (that's one of my fresh new epigrams I'm trying…
 
We've all seen The Mighty Ducks or that film with the bobsleighs or that one with all the karate kicking... You know how it goes. Just as it looks like you'll never be able to bobsleigh really well, or do the best karate kick at the karate kick competition, a montage sequence begins to play. Eye of Tiger is turned up to 10 and then, without warning…
 
You know the feeling - you've got half a dozen flat screen TVs strapped to your horse, a sack of bargain quinoa on your back, and a massive smile on your face - you absolutely smashed Black Friday and now you're on your way home for a relaxing beef tea. That's when you stop. Your eyes go wide. Darren lets out an uneasy snort. As 12 TVs fall to the …
 
Your excitement is palpable; you've shaved, brushed your teeth and slathered yourself in the finest perfume money can buy. Holding your head high you take your place in the queue. You want that discount ham. You deserve it! You have a drink to steady your nerves. The queue grows uncontrollably. People appearing as if from nowhere. The crush begins.…
 
Waging a successful military campaign isn't just about shiny buttons, impressive marching formations, and ensuring your troops are incredibly rested and relaxed. Sometimes you need an extra special something to turn your fighting boys into fighting men... sometimes you need Pies. Yes, pies. Join us this week as we discover how the humble baked trea…
 
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