Anxious Attachment: Why INFJs Fear Abandonment and Feel Stuck in Relationships With Emotionally Unavailable People


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By Jillie Lozanoff. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

Today we are discussing attachment styles. Attachment styles are the different ways that we relate to and connect with our partner in romantic relationships.
There are 4 attachment styles:

  • Secure (low anxiety, low avoidance): You are comfortable with emotional intimacy, and you feel connected with your partner. You don't feel overly anxious, nor do you avoid or push away intimacy. You communicate your needs effectively, you are attuned to the needs of your partner, and you are responsive and supportive to your partner's attachment needs.
  • Anxious (high anxiety, low avoidance): You desire intimacy and emotional closeness with your partner. However, you are fearful of abandonment, and feel distressed if you sense that your partner might be pulling away. You're more likely to become preoccupied worrying about your partner's intentions and behaviors, and you're more likely to seek reassurance from your partner when you're feeling insecure.
  • Avoidant (low anxiety, high avoidance): You feel uncomfortable with intimacy and emotional closeness. You "keep people at arm's length" and avoid commitment or becoming invested in the relationship. You are more likely to value your independence, and to pull away when your partner expresses desire for closeness. You're more likely to criticize or dismiss the feelings of your partner, in an effort to maintain distance.
  • Disorganized (high anxiety, high avoidance): This attachment style is marked by significant fearfulness, typically due to childhood trauma. You desire intimacy and closeness, but you also feel the need to maintain distance to protect yourself from being hurt. This may come across as a "Come here! Go away!" push-pull dynamic. You struggle to trust people, and you often feel confused or conflicted in relationships. You're more likely to experience feelings of shame, low self-esteem, and low sense of self worth.

If you'd like to learn your attachment style, you can take a questionnaire validated for adults here.
I recommend the book "Attached" by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller if you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, along with strategies to manage anxious and avoidant attachments and move toward security.
I also recommend following thesecurerelationship on Instagram, she creates amazing content for people with all attachment styles. An awesome example is this post!
I'm so excited for us to continue on this journey of building connected relationships together throughout Season 2!
Join us for Q&A Thursdays! If you have questions about this episode or any area of romantic relationships, I want to hear them!
I created a form on the INFJ Growth website where you can submit any questions you have about INFJs and relationships.
You can find the form here:
Feel free to ask questions at any time during Season 2, and I'll answer them on an upcoming Q&A Thursday! Ask me anything!
My goal is for us to explore real life examples using the cognitive function toolbox to help you navigate your relationships with self-awareness, clarity, and confidence!
If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you! It's so important for us to be here for each other, and to know we're never alone.
You can connect with me at, or send an email to :)
I love you all!!
~ Jillie🖤🌿🌟

29 episodes